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Well, this is probably going to be depressing, but it seems to be my annual tradition…

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Got separated. Hired a divorce attorney. A lot of other things I’d rather not remember.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I just checked last year’s meme, and this was my resolution:

Sometime in late spring/early summer, I plan to deliver a happy, healthy, preferably human baby. Let’s see how it goes!

So, yeah. I did that. Yay me! I didn’t make any other resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
ME! Plus about a hundred or so other friends and family members.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, my dad’s cousin (sort of like an uncle to me). He was a very sweet man, and he’ll be very missed.

5. What countries did you visit?
Huh. I’m not even sure if I left the state of North Carolina this year.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Stability. Calmness. Serenity. Less drama. Two kids who sleep through the night in their own damn beds. Little things.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
May 31st – Lucy was born.
August 9th – Dave and I separated.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I went from a temp employee at my job to a permanent employee in February. That was a pretty big deal at the time.

9. What was your biggest failure?
My marriage. Enough said.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing major, no.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Technically my health insurance paid for it, but I’m going to say it was the epidural when I had Lucy.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My mom. I hope that my kids grow up and know that 35 years from now, if they need me, they can call me and I’ll drop everything to be there for them. If that ends up being true, I’ll consider myself a successful parent.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I refuse to answer this for legal purposes. If you know the inside scoop on my life, you can probably guess.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Daycare. Lawyers.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The arrival of Lucy. The sale of my house.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Most stuff by Bruno Mars. For this reason.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Most definitely sadder. But optimistic because I know it’s temporary.
b) thinner or fatter? Well, I’m not pregnant anymore, so I guess I’m thinner.
c) richer or poorer? Poorer. So much poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Traveling. Reading books. Doing fun stuff with my girls.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Moping. Yelling. Crying.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
At home with Catie, Lucy, my parents, and my siblings. It was really nice.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
No. Sort of the opposite, in fact.

Unless you count falling in love with your kids, because…

My god, yes. Them.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Not sure I had one. Probably Hoarders.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
See question 13 – no comment.

24. What was the best book you read?
I don’t think I finished a single book that I started this year.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Piano Guys. Who knew I’d ever have an obsession with the cello?

26. What did you want and get by year’s end?
My parents moved here. We sold our house. I found a rental house for me and the girls.

27. What did you want and not get by year’s end?
A sense of closure.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
I’m suddenly completely blank. Did I see any movies this year that weren’t animated? I mean, I took Catie to see “Gnomeo and Juliet” and “Rio,” but those aren’t on my list of fine quality films, so… yeah. I don’t know.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 35. I don’t think we did anything since I was pregnant and miserable.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If my marriage hadn’t fallen apart, that would’ve been nice.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Total lack of fashion, all functional. I’m working on fixing that, though. I bought some cute boots as a Christmas gift to myself, and my goal is to try to take the time to make myself feel cute, because I feel a lot better about myself when I do.

32. What kept you sane?
It’s probably bad to answer this question with Lexapro, but… yes. Lexapro.

Also, my friends and family who let me vent whenever I needed to. Y’all know who you are. And you’re awesome.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I will admit that I have a huge crush on Matt Paxton, the extreme cleaning guy on Hoarders. Because I love the idea of a man who knows how to clean up after himself. That Corey dude isn’t too shabby either.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Probably the Amendment 26 vote in Mississippi. It’s my home state and I still get worked up about a lot of political issues there. This is one of the few times one of their elections turned out the way it should have.

35. Who did you miss?
I missed my Grandmother a lot this year. She’s Lucy’s namesake, and sometimes I look at my two girls and think about how much she would have adored them. She died 15 years ago, and I still miss her. My sister and I wore some of her jewelry to church on Christmas Eve this year.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
My new friend Tanya, another single mom at Catie’s daycare, who has been an invaluable resource to me over the past few months. It helps to have a friend who’s been through all of this stuff before, and survived to tell the tale.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Sometimes the people you thought you knew the best, turn out to be complete strangers to you.

Also, I can survive a lot more than I ever thought I could. Who knew?

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“Soap and water
Take the day from my hand,
Scrub the salt from my stinging skin,
Slip me loose of this wedding band.”
– Suzanne Vega, “Soap and Water”

(Yeah. I told you this was going to be depressing. Sorry.)

So, happy new year everybody. Let’s hope 2012 is far, far better than 2011.

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Dave moved out two months ago.

Overall, I think I’m doing ok. I get through my days. I’m doing a pretty good job at work, apparently. My manager is pleased with what I’m doing. And I’m lucky that I love my job enough that I can sort of immerse myself in various projects and forget about everything in my “real life” for hours at a time. That helps a lot.

But Lucy still isn’t sleeping, so I’m tired a lot. And I worry about Catie. I’m so glad my mom is here, because it keeps me from feeling lonely. We watch TV together, plan meals together, that kind of thing. It’s nice.

So, you know, I feel like I’m getting by ok.

And then, suddenly, I’ll be hit with this wave of sadness so hard that it feels like I’m drowning in it. The other night it hit me because I caught myself starting to fiddle with my wedding ring, only to realize it isn’t there anymore. (I do that a lot. I never realized how often I touched it every day until I stopped wearing it.) (I took it off the day after he moved out. I know some people take a long time before they can take off their wedding rings. I… needed to not look at it anymore, if that makes sense.)

I don’t want him back. Really, I don’t. The past several months have been so awful, there’s no way I would voluntarily go back to that. I don’t like roller coasters – literal or emotional – and now that he’s gone, things feel calmer. More steady. And that’s what I need right now, both for myself and for my girls.

And I’m realizing all kinds of things about myself now that I never realized. Like the fact that I bottled up so many things for years, because I hated the idea of conflict, and I never wanted to fight. Now it’s all sort of exploding out of me. I don’t think I could go back to bottling it up again if I tried. I’m feeling sort of like the Pandora’s box of emotions, to use a really bad analogy.

But even though I don’t want him back, sometimes I still miss him. We had these inside jokes, as you do when you live with someone for over six years. We made each other laugh a lot. I miss that. I miss the connection.

And yet… Sometimes I can envision what my life is going to be like in the future. And it’s not the future I had in mind at all, but I see myself with my girls, and I see us in our own little house, doing our own thing. Going on outings and vacations together, just the three of us. And I know we’re going to be ok. I really do know that.

But man, transitions really do suck.

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Dave moved out last week.

Today, I’m meeting with a divorce attorney for the first time.

My heart is broken.

I don’t usually blog about the bad stuff when it happens. Mainly because so many people in my family read this site, but also because I worry about my girls growing up and reading this stuff someday. I worry about what they’ll think of it.

And oh God, y’all. My girls. My heart hurts more for them than it does for myself. I feel like I failed them. My parents have been married for over 40 years, it never even occurred to me when I got married that it might not last forever. That just wasn’t an option in my mind.

I don’t want to get into details or place blame. A lot of things went wrong. And they’ve been going wrong for a while. I don’t want this, but the decision isn’t entirely up to me.

This is, without a doubt, the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Please keep us in your thoughts, as I imagine that things are going to get a lot worse before they get better.

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What with all of the focus on the new baby lately, I sort of forgot to mention that Dave is flying to England today. (Well, tonight. He’s on the red eye.) This time it’s for business reasons rather than just fun/family stuff, and the trip has been planned for a while, so it’s not like I didn’t know this was coming.

And the funny thing is that I’ve been totally chilled out about the idea of this trip all along. When Dave first mentioned it weeks ago when I was still pregnant, my reaction was all, “Eh, whatever. Two kids, one me, no biggie.”

It wasn’t until late last night that I suddenly almost burst into tears. I’m sure it’s a combination of post-partum hormones, sleep deprivation, and maybe a little leftover trauma from the last time he went to the UK.

But it doesn’t even make sense, because it’s not like I’m going to be on solo parent duty for the two weeks that he’s away. My mom is flying up tomorrow and she’ll be here for the majority of the time that Dave is gone.

(My dad is coming up for a few days in there too, but since he’s not a big fan of travel, he’s only coming for a few days rather than 12 days like my mom.)

So I know I’m going to be fine. I’ll have backup. The whole thing is totally manageable.

But holy crap, we’re really going to miss that guy.

Safe travels, babe. Love you.

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I’m getting induced tomorrow. I’ve come to terms with the fact that this baby is not going to evacuate her current premises willingly, so we’re going in after her.

And it’s funny, I’ve been joking for a while about how I have a feeling that this baby is going to be more like me. Mainly because Catie is so much like Dave, but also because this child will be the second girl (just like I am), with a large-ish age gap between herself and her older sister (Catie is almost 4 1/2, my sister and I are 5 1/2 years apart). I don’t know, it’s just a hunch that she’s going to inherit more of my traits than Catie did.

And as it happens, my mom had to be induced when she was pregnant with me, because I had no intention of being born either. So there you have it, commonality from the get-go.

It’s sort of weird, having the induction scheduled and knowing that I’m going to have a baby tomorrow. It’s actually helped calm down my tendency to over-plan. Today we’ve spent doing laundry, getting groceries, setting up the pack ‘n’ play in our bedroom, all of those last-minute preparations.

And I’ve been trying to soak up as much of Catie as I possibly can, enjoying these last few minutes of her as an Only Child. It’s probably weird that I haven’t been emotional about that until just now. Go figure.

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And now for a completely unrelated topic!

Ever wondered about some of those old wives’ tales that people swear will make you go into labor? I’d like to tell you right now that they’re all crap.

Here are some of the ones I’ve heard repeatedly, along with my personal experience:

* Acupuncture – While it definitely made the baby “drop” a lot lower, nothing else has happened.
* Sex – No comment. (People in my family read this website, I refuse to say anything else about it.)
* Walking – I’ve been on the treadmill every day for the past two weeks. No luck.
* Other exercises (prenatal yoga, squats) – No luck.
* Castor oil – Relatively unpleasant (not as bad as what I’d heard some people describe, but still not what I’d call a good time), and it didn’t help at all.
* Spicy food – Ok, this is the one I couldn’t really commit to. I ate things spicier than I would normally eat them, which is still way milder than what the old wives’ tale intended. I am a wimp about spicy food, I just can’t handle it at all. It’s physically painful for me. So, eh, whatever.
* Evening primrose oil – I’ve been taking the pills orally and also applying it, um, internally. Nothing.
* Red raspberry leaf tea – Nope. Doesn’t taste bad, though.
* Warm baths – Nice, but totally unhelpful.
* Nipple stimulation – I’ve yanked on my own boobs about a million times, trying to mimic the feeling of a nursing baby or a breast pump, because (allegedly) it’s supposed to make the uterus contract. Let me tell you what I learned: it hurts. A lot. And it didn’t do a damn thing.
* Eggplant Parmesan – It was delicious. But it didn’t do anything.
* Pineapple – I love pineapple. I’ve eaten so much that the inside of my mouth is sore from the acidity. And it didn’t help one whit.

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Back to the whole Impending Baby Thing!

So, yeah. Induction starts tomorrow at 7:30 a.m. Hopefully we’ll have an announcement before the day is over. Oh, and a name. Because we still don’t have a clue what we’re going to call this poor kid.

But, my sweet little Baby No Name, we can’t wait to meet you. And your mama can’t wait to not have this view every time she looks down.

You have no idea how much more comfortable we will both be once you’re out here in the world. I promise. We’re gonna have so much fun.

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(One of Catie’s favorite lines from the movie “Tangled” is Rapunzel swinging around a tree, yelling, “Best! Day! EVER!” She repeats that a lot. Hence the post title.)

Why I love this particular Friday the 13th, superstitions be damned:

1. Catie got dressed and left for daycare without any fights this morning. Hey, it’s the little things.

2. Beaumont is currently at the vet getting shaved. (Insert your own shaved p***y jokes here.) We have to do this every summer because his fur is so long and it gets all matted and nasty. And yes, he looks ridiculous afterward:

(Exhibit A: his first haircut, 2 years ago.)

But he’s also a lot happier. And since he is currently in “Guard the Pregnant Lady” Mode and is all over me constantly, I’ll also be a lot happier when there’s less fur on him. Hopefully it means I’ll stop having the recurring nightmare about being attacked by a bear, when I wake up and realize that it’s because I’ve got a ridiculously furry cat sleeping up against my face, suffocating me.

3. The housekeepers are coming today! I always feel a little weird mentioning that we have housekeepers, because it feels so… I don’t know. Snobby? Elitist? I get oddly defensive about it. But you know what? Whatever. For the mental health benefit alone, I consider it to be a totally worthwhile expense.

Oh, also? Knowing that the house will be all sparkly and clean should I happen to go into labor in the immediate future? HUGE load off my mind. You can’t even imagine.

4. I’m getting a massage this afternoon. All of y’all who’ve had babies know how late pregnancy can make you ache all over. My back and shoulders are currently a disaster zone of knots and pains. Then Catie’s daycare teacher Mandy informed me that a new massage therapist opened up shop in the building next to the daycare, and she had left a stack of coupons for them to pass out to the parents. When I checked it out, saw that this lady is certified to do prenatal massage, and that the coupon was for 50% off her normal hourly rate? Hell yes, I booked that sucker. I cannot wait.

5. It’s Clean Sheet Day. Between the massage and the fresh sheets on the bed, I’m already looking forward to bedtime tonight. It’s gonna be so good, y’all.

6. Our sixth wedding anniversary is on Sunday, the 15th. Awww.

And we’re still laughing. (Most of the time.)

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I feel like there’s so much I want to blog about – Catie just said some awesomely hilarious thing, or some weird pregnancy symptom happened that I think I should document – but when it comes time to sit down and write it, it all sort of flies out of my head. I could blame Pregnant Brain for that, I guess. My attention span feels like Dory in “Finding Nemo.” Wait, what was your name again?

So. Mother’s Day.

I woke up on Sunday morning with a killer headache, which is unfortunately really common right now. The best I can tell, it has something to do with weather changes (when it goes from sunny to rainy and back to sunny again in just a few hours); it seems that the rapid barometer shifts give me headaches. And that kind of sun/rain/sun weather happens a lot in the spring in North Carolina.

I took one of my OB-prescribed headache pills and headed back to bed to let it do its work. Soon I had a little companion who wanted to make me feel better.

[Side rant:

How is it possible that I need to cut her bangs again already? I swear my mom just cut her hair in late March! Look, I have photographic proof:

See, she got a haircut! Now it's barely 6 weeks later, and I find myself constantly pushing her hair off of her face because I want to see her eyes. Is she sneaking my prenatal vitamins when I'm not looking? Is she actually Rapunzel? What's up with the crazy rapid hair growth, kid??

/end side rant]

Oh, we were also joined in bed by my other headache companion, who was basically useless.

Beaumont will not leave me the hell alone these days. He did the same thing when I was pregnant with Catie, so I guess I must be giving off some kind of baby pheromones, but he’s driving me bonkers. I do not like being herded around the house by a cat, nor do I like having his giant fur-shedding body up against my face when I’m trying to sleep. A little personal space would be nice, is all I’m saying.

Once I was feeling a little better, we fired up the Gamecube (do they even still make those anymore, or are we officially old school?) and played Legend of Zelda in bed. Or rather, I played while Catie watched and narrated everything I did. (“Get the bad guy, Mommy! Oh look, there’s a treasure chest! Quick, open it! What’s the treasure??”) We managed to waste most of the day doing that, it was pretty fun.

My two Mother’s Day gifts from Catie:
1. Dave took her to the store and let her pick out a card for me. It’s 101 Dalmatians themed, and she wrote her name in it and covered it in flower stickers. I love it.

2. She cleaned up all of her toys without me having to prod her about it. (In fact, when Dave wandered into the family room while she was cleaning up, she told him, “Daddy, you have to get out so I can pick up all my toys like a big girl.” He was about to get offended at being told to get out, but I explained that she wanted to be alone so she could have her big “Wow!” Moment to impress us when she was done. We left her to it, and then made a big, “Look at this room! You did a great job cleaning up! High-five!” fuss over her when she was finished.)

My Mother’s Day gift from Dave was that he finished up all of the last-minute items on my to-do list before Baby 2.0 arrives. That beats flowers any day in my book.

For dinner, since the weather had gotten really nice, we put out some citronella candles and sat on the deck to eat. A little evening picnic was pretty much the perfect way to cap off the day.

Oh, and the best part? I never put on a bra all day. I call that a total win.

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