past the halfway point

I’m on day 4 of the liquid diet. How’s it going, you might ask? Well, let’s see…

* Day 1 – Hey, this isn’t so bad!

* Day 2 – Holy crap, somebody is going to die before this week is over.

* Day 2.5, part 1 – I cracked. And let me tell you, that was the most delicious handful of baby carrots I have ever eaten in my entire life.

* Day 2.5, part 2 – I’ve decided that negative-calorie foods (meaning raw celery, plain lettuce, etc. – things that burn more calories in chewing/digesting them than they contain in them) just don’t count. Because OMG, I NEED TO CHEW SOMETHING.

* Day 3 – Major headache, I’m guessing from carb/sugar withdrawal. It sucks.

* Day 3.5 (last night) – The combination of sleep deprivation (thanks to Lucy’s current sinus infection), the aforementioned headache, and the lack of food turned me into a Rage Monster. And that was when I almost hit Lucy.

It was bedtime, and she was crying and kept climbing out of her bed instead of going to sleep, which is not all that abnormal really, but for some reason it just pushed me over the edge. I don’t remember the last time I was that angry. I wanted to hit her. I wanted to throw her down the stairs. I wanted her to just… disappear. For that one moment, I hated my baby.

Instead of doing any of the horrible things in my head, I closed her bedroom door and walked away, and I left her to scream for a while. I essentially put myself in a time-out. I felt sick and my hands were shaking. I texted Greis (who is doing this liquid diet in solidarity with me this week because she is the most awesome friend ever), and I took some deep breaths and tried to calm myself down. Then I went back and got Lucy and gave her a bottle, and she was asleep about two minutes later.

And even though I know that that wasn’t really me, that it was just a lot of external factors overwhelming me, I still haven’t quite forgiven myself for the things that went through my head last night.

* Day 4 – So far I’m ok. Got the kids off to school this morning, no meltdowns or anything. This morning, I weighed myself and I was at a number I haven’t weighed in well over a year. (Yes, I know it’s mostly water weight, but I’ll take it.)

It occurs to me that I’ve made it over halfway already, and I’m grateful for that. I’m not sure if I’ll make it all the way through Saturday, but I’m going to give it my best shot.

Next time the Rage Monster shows up, though, I may have to just bite the bullet and give her some damn carbs already. Because I really don’t want to feel like that ever again.

4 thoughts on “past the halfway point

  1. Someone who I greatly admire as a parent, and who has two grown, successful sons, once told me when my son was an infant that every parent has a moment where they want to throw their child against a wall. Even wonderful parents have those thoughts every once-in-a-while – but wonderful parents don’t act on them. So give yourself a break, and be proud of the healthy way you dealt with it.
    P.S. – I’m mostly a lurker rather than a commenter, but wanted to let you know that i’m happy every time a new post of yours shows up in my reader. Thanks for sharing your story with such honesty.

  2. I love your blog. Love your honesty. I hope to someday have the (pardon my French) balls to be like that 🙂

  3. Oh, yes…I wholeheartedly agree with Marie’s comment! During those “okay, let’s be completely honest” moments, several of us have confessed to the “time to throw the baby out the window” feeling. It’s whether you act on it or not that makes all the difference. My friend M. told me she used to change the words in the lullabies she sang to her insomniac baby to things like, “Go to sleeeeep, go to sleeeep, or I’m going to beeeeat you, go to sleep, go to sleep, right fucking now!” Her rationale is that it allowed her to say the things she really wanted to say, but in a sing-songy soothing voice. (I used that a few times with my oldest & pretty much every day for 6 months with my youngest.)

    You recognized it. You didn’t like it. You’ve got this. *hugs*

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