Category Archives: Friends & Family

finding my voice

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Last night, I had a dream that I was in labor with Lucy, and Dave had disappeared and nobody could find him. So I left the hospital – while still in labor – to go look for him.

Yeah. I hardly need Freud to show up and interpret that one for me.

I struggle a lot with how to maintain a balance online, trying to figure out what’s an appropriate amount of my life that I can share. This blog isn’t anonymous, and I try to be careful not to hurt anyone among my family or real-life friends who may read it. I also try to be careful when I think about what my kids might read someday. My usual rule is that if it affects more people than just myself, I don’t talk about it.

Last week, in a state of panic, I talked about a lot more online than I usually would have. And I got a hell of a lot of push-back for it. I was accused of airing my dirty laundry in public, showing a shocking lack of judgment, etc. An anonymous Twitter account was created to accuse me of “setting the stage” for the events that happened (which, if you think that anything that happened last week was fun for me? You’d be sadly mistaken). The account was later deleted – I’m guessing that the person knows me somehow, but I can’t fathom a guess as to who it was. It doesn’t really matter anyway.

The fact is, right now this divorce is an integral part of my life, and that’s probably what a lot of my blog posts are going to be about for a while. I have no intention of dragging Dave’s name through the mud. Yes, I’m hurt and I’m angry, but I know I’m not perfect either.

But I need to be able to talk about some of these things, because as Aunt Becky would say, I cannot live a [redacted] life.

I don’t think it’s a sign of weakness to admit that I could use some support from my online friends. But in order to get that support, I need to be able to talk openly about what’s been happening.

I might password-protect a few posts. I don’t know. I haven’t decided how I’m going to handle this. I’ll figure it out as I go, I guess. Just like the rest of my life.

taking a deep breath

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If you follow me on Twitter, you might have witnessed my tweeting of a major family crisis that happened. If you missed it, well… I’ve deleted everything about it, because I decided it was probably inappropriate to share online. I was in a state of panic, and I reached out for support. That’s what I use social media for; however, I also don’t want to cause any additional distress to my family. So that’s the last I’m going to say about it.

Except this: we are all ok. It was really bad and scary and awful for a while, but it’s starting to gradually get a little better, and I can see that things are going to turn out ok.

happy Catie on the merry-go-round

Baby jeggings!

I mean, come on. How could they not?

weekend recap

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This past weekend, my mom took Catie to Charlotte to visit with my brother and sister. Seeing as how my siblings are two of Catie’s favorite people on the planet (and my sister’s best friend was there too, who Catie also adores), we thought this sounded like something she’d enjoy. And she did, for the most part. They took her to a children’s museum, she got to meet my sister’s new kitten, and she was generally indulged in ways that would never happen if I was around (like being allowed to stay up WAY past her bedtime, eat junk food, etc.). Sounds like heaven for a four year-old, right?

But she also had a lot of meltdowns, in which she cried that she missed Mommy and Lucy. On the trip back home, she told my mom in the car that she never, ever wanted to go on a trip again.

Last night, when I was snuggling with her at bedtime, I said, “So, you had a lot of fun this weekend, didn’t you?”

She quietly said, “Not really.”

I said, “No? Why not?”

She said, “Because I missed you.” And burst into tears.

It got me thinking that even though she was around people she loves and doing fun stuff, it was probably too soon for her to be on an overnight trip away without me. I think she still feels like the ground is shifting underneath her after the separation, and it’s already hard on her to be away from Dave, so being away from me too was just too much for her. I feel bad that it didn’t even occur to me to consider that, before we planned this trip for her.

To help calm her down, I told her that no matter where she goes, she’ll always come home to me, and that I’ll always be here waiting for her.

And I said that maybe, in a few months, when Lucy is a little bit bigger and sleeping through the night, then we can all go to Charlotte together, and she wouldn’t miss me or Lucy, because we’d be there with her. She seemed to like that idea.

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On the other hand, Lucy and I had a pretty fabulous weekend. Compared to the usual craziness of having two kids in the house, having just one little baby to deal with felt like a breeze. (There’s the difference between kids #1 and #2 – with Catie, I was terrified to be left alone with the baby. Now, I’m like, “Just one baby? Pshaw!”)

Also, you know what’s great about only having a tiny baby in the house? You can watch R-rated movies and not worry about traumatizing them! I finally caught up on a few movies that have been sitting on my DVR for ages, which was great.

[Side note to George Clooney: I love you, but “The American” sucked. All scenes in which you were shirtless = WINNER. Everything else? Not so much.]

But it was a really nice weekend with my baby girl. We went to Target and Whole Foods, we went for a walk around the neighborhood, we experimented with solid food (she seems to like baby oatmeal), and we played. All in all, a very good weekend.

Lucy gets to 2nd base in her sleep.
(Check out the hand placement there. Nice one, kiddo.)

happy birthday, Mimi

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My mom’s birthday was on Wednesday. I’m not sure if she’ll kill me for revealing her age on the Internet, so I should probably keep it to myself (cough*65*cough).

She mentioned that it was the first time in 41 years that she’s been away from my dad on her birthday. Which is kind of sad, but at the same time, I don’t remember the last time I was around my mom on her birthday, and her grandkids have never been around on her birthday, so we tried to make a big deal out of it. Which meant that Catie and I made a cake.

Happy birthday to Mimi!
(Catie is a little obsessed with Super Mario Brothers — specifically Yoshi the dinosaur — right now. Note t-shirt AND action figures on the counter.)
(Also, gratuitous de-clothed baby with her giant bald spot.)

Of course, even though it was Mimi’s cake, Catie had to do the candle-blowing and applause on her behalf.

Blowing out Mimi's candles for her

Hooray for blown-out birthday candles!

That’s what grandkids are for, right?

Mimi & her grandbabies on her birthday

It was a good day. Happy birthday, Mom. Sorry it took me 3 days to get the pictures online.

treading water

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Last week, a friend told me that I seem to be handling all of my recent life events in an unusually calm manner.

I laughed. I told her that she should take a look inside my head sometime. Apparently I’m pretty good at faking like I’m ok when I’m an absolute mess on the inside.

The truth is, I’m completely overwhelmed. I’m trying to juggle two kids, a full-time job, as well as the process of selling our house, all by myself. It would be panic-inducing on its own. Top it off with the fact that Lucy currently wakes up at least two times per night? The exhaustion factor means that I spend a lot of time feeling like I’m about to lose it.

Oh, and there’s the whole post-partum depression thing too. Let’s not even get into that. The timing of all of this could be a lot better.

I spend a lot of time wishing that I could crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and stay there for at least a couple of weeks.

For better or worse, these two seem to make that impossible.

Catie (& alligator) snuggle on Lucy.

Freaking kids, man. They have all these needs.

So, yeah, I’m functioning because I don’t really have any other choice. Falling apart isn’t an option right now.

I’m incredibly grateful for all of the people who check in on me to see how I’m doing. Honestly, I’m so, so thankful for my support system.

Speaking of my support system, my brother came up this past weekend to help me rearrange furniture and start getting the house organized. We also hung out and watched movies, and he bonded with his new niece.

Lucy loves snuggling with her Uncle Chris

That was really nice, I needed that break.

And more of my support system is still on its way. Greis is coming for a visit this weekend. Her trip was planned months ago, and was supposed to be a fun girls’ weekend. Now it’s turned into a “hey, come stay at my house and hold my baby while I pack boxes” sort of visit. Which sucks, but I have a feeling we’ll still manage to sneak in at least one margarita at some point during the weekend.

Next week, my mom is coming up. She’s driving up rather than flying, so she can stay for an indefinite amount of time. She’s basically moving in for at least a couple of months, to help me get everything sorted out. I can’t begin to describe how grateful I am for that. My mom is my anchor, and I really need her right now.

So, I know I’m going to be ok, mainly because so many people around me are there to catch me if I fall. It’s a comforting thought, and it’s what’s keeping me afloat right now.

This Week

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Things that happened this week that I totally forgot to blog about because, hot damn, y’all, I am TIRED.

1. My brother and sister came over from Charlotte last weekend to hang out. That was fun, even though I completely forgot to take any pictures whatsoever.

2. Everyone (my brother, my sister, and my mom) went back to their respective homes on Sunday. We were very sad about that. Or at least, Catie and I were sad; Lucy honestly didn’t seem to notice much.

3. I survived 48 hours on solo parent duty with a four year-old and a newborn.

Um, Catie, that doesn't look very comfy for your sister.

That probably seems like nothing to some people, but for me, it felt like a pretty major accomplishment.

4. Dave got back from England on Tuesday evening. Thank God.

5. Also on Tuesday: I started back to work. And Lucy turned 6 weeks old.

Who, me? I'm not sleepy at all!
Whaaa? Where does the time go?

6. I moved Lucy to her crib, because she’s such a light sleeper that she wakes up if I so much as roll over or clear my throat. I thought maybe we might all get some more sleep that way. She’s spent the last 2 nights in her crib, and it’s been semi-successful. She’s gone from sleeping 2.5 hours at a time to sleeping 3 hours at a time, so… yay? I guess? I’ll celebrate once she’s consistently sleeping 4+ hours at a time. (Soon. Please, God, let it be soon.)

7. I’m finally starting to feel the post-partum crazies set in. I know that it’s just the accumulation of several weeks’ worth of exhaustion, and it’s all stuff that will pass as soon as I get some rest. But this has not been my best week, to put it mildly.

8. We have no plans this weekend, and I am so looking forward to that. I might not get out of my pajamas until Monday.

Resemblance

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When my mom was here right after Lucy was born, she said, “I keep looking at Lucy and thinking, ‘I know this face. Where have I seen this face before?'” She said that she knew it was one of her kids, but she wasn’t quite sure which one.

So, this time when she flew up, she brought a bunch of old pictures with her. And it kind of blew my mind.

This, as you probably already know, is Lucy:

Her eyes are getting blue-er. I was sure they were going to be brown. Now I don't know.

And this is me as a baby:

1976 - me

So… Huh. Apparently I gave birth to myself. Who knew?

I find it kind of hilarious that Dave and I each got one kid who looks like ourselves. Catie is basically Dave’s twin, so I guess it was my DNA’s turn.

Also, I never thought that I looked like my mom; everyone has always said that I take after my dad’s side of the family. But then I saw this picture of my mom. It was taken in 1982, so she was 36 years old at the time (pretty darn close to the 35 that I am now).

1982 - Mom

I wouldn’t say that we’re exactly twins, but I can see the resemblance for the first time in my life. So that’s weird, but really cool at the same time.

P.S. During all of this, we also pulled out a bunch of pictures of Dave when he was young to contrast and compare. My dad managed to find the one picture we have in this house of Dave’s ex-wife (it’s really a picture of Dave, she’s kind of off in the corner). And my dad insisted that it was me in the photo, not Dave’s ex. I told him that clearly Dave has a type, but no, it’s not me, and can we please change the subject now thanks? Ok then. Yeah. That was… awkward.