finding my voice

Last night, I had a dream that I was in labor with Lucy, and Dave had disappeared and nobody could find him. So I left the hospital – while still in labor – to go look for him.

Yeah. I hardly need Freud to show up and interpret that one for me.

I struggle a lot with how to maintain a balance online, trying to figure out what’s an appropriate amount of my life that I can share. This blog isn’t anonymous, and I try to be careful not to hurt anyone among my family or real-life friends who may read it. I also try to be careful when I think about what my kids might read someday. My usual rule is that if it affects more people than just myself, I don’t talk about it.

Last week, in a state of panic, I talked about a lot more online than I usually would have. And I got a hell of a lot of push-back for it. I was accused of airing my dirty laundry in public, showing a shocking lack of judgment, etc. An anonymous Twitter account was created to accuse me of “setting the stage” for the events that happened (which, if you think that anything that happened last week was fun for me? You’d be sadly mistaken). The account was later deleted – I’m guessing that the person knows me somehow, but I can’t fathom a guess as to who it was. It doesn’t really matter anyway.

The fact is, right now this divorce is an integral part of my life, and that’s probably what a lot of my blog posts are going to be about for a while. I have no intention of dragging Dave’s name through the mud. Yes, I’m hurt and I’m angry, but I know I’m not perfect either.

But I need to be able to talk about some of these things, because as Aunt Becky would say, I cannot live a [redacted] life.

I don’t think it’s a sign of weakness to admit that I could use some support from my online friends. But in order to get that support, I need to be able to talk openly about what’s been happening.

I might password-protect a few posts. I don’t know. I haven’t decided how I’m going to handle this. I’ll figure it out as I go, I guess. Just like the rest of my life.

17 thoughts on “finding my voice

  1. You know, I have found you could be talking about crappy tap water and someone thinks you are speaking about them.

    Be true to you and your need especially during a time of such emotional situations. Block friends and family who can’t handle it. I know I do.:)

  2. everyone that blogs struggles with the very blurry line of TMI.

    You are a smart, reasonable woman that obviously loves her family (and that includes the ex) very much.

    If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t hurt. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t have searched last week.

    There will be people that blame you, that want to hurt you because of what is going on. That is merely a defense mechanism on their part. No, you aren’t perfect, no one is…but you are trying and you are moving forward.

    so YEA for you! your babies are lucky children and their family (all of them) should be damned happy they have you for their mother and stability!

  3. You do what you have to do for you, and everything else will fall in line. I don’t think you posted anything over the line, from what I saw.

  4. I know you don’t know me, and I don’t know if I’ve every commented before, but I read your blog and follow you on twitter. I saw you reach out to your friends on twitter, and saw your story, and wanted to be a part of the community that supported you. I was sad to hear that you were being attacked for it — I felt that your comments were very unbiased, and at no time did you seem like you were attacking anyone or doing anything besides try to do what was best for your lovely daughters. It is NOT a sign of weakness to ask for help from your community, and that’s exactly what I saw — a person going through a tough time, that just needed to reach out. You’re a great mom, and I know you all will come through this strong in the end.

  5. You’re handling it the best you can, and you know, sometimes we have to have blow ups, sometimes we have to say things we were keeping inside. You have a huge support group online here, and I think it’s an excellent idea to password protect some of those important posts. You HAVE to be able to get it out, or you’ll truly go crazy, and really, no one wants that.

    Huge hugs to you…

  6. “I cannot live a [redacted] life.”

    Cheers to that!!!

    I know from personal experience that divorce is a messy, messy undertaking. Never apologize for reaching out for support; that’s what community is for.

  7. Not everyone is going to like what you say or what you share – I feel like if you do it with respect it’s all you can do. I’m glad you reached out – and I’m happy you can find support. I’m just so sorry it was met with backlash.

    Whatever you do – you’ll do it with love & respect. Even if whoever doesn’t understand that in the moment – in the long run, you have to take care of yourself & your girls.

  8. Cindy–I have been reading your blog for a while having found you via mutual friends. I have always been impressed with the balance you have been able to strike in this blog and your tweets. I hope Dave’s (&/or your) friends and family will be able to work past their pain, fear, disappointment and realize you do treat this space with respect & that you need the support of any & all in order to continue to be the best mother to your daughters. I also hope that Dave is able to find the support he needs during this immensely painful & stressful time for your family so that he can be the father your daughters need him to be.

  9. Yeah… Everyone with a blog has struggled with what is too personal for a blog; I know I have. I’ve deleted posts because they were too personal or were too work-specific, etc. But, I also understand wanting the support. It isn’t a weakness. The support one gets from “just” online friends is support.

    I haven’t met you face-to-face. I’ve never even spoken to you, but I’ve been reading your blog for years and communicate with you other ways. I’m more than willing to provide support/advice, etc.

    But, honestly, I can understand how the other side feels, too. You’re hurt and angry; so are they. You are an easy target. What happened was a culmination of many different things, but when people are hurt and angry and want a person to blame, they often lash out to the person most visible. In this case, that was you.

    But you will need support now and in the near future. Set up an email list. Set up a group of people in Facebook that you know and trust and limit some of your posts to them.

    There are ways you can share what you need with the people you know and trust without recrimination.

  10. I think this is something everyone who blogs struggles with, what is okay to post and what is not. It becomes particularly difficult in divorce and other legal matters. I hope you are able to find a balance that allows you to get the support you need. We are here to support you, listen to you, be there for you as you wade through the murky waters.

    Love and hugs sweetie.

  11. I agree with you. If you find the balance, please share. I check on you daily. You have my support and the support of others.

  12. I’ve only read your blog for a short while, and I am just so sorry for what you’re going through. I know you’ll find your way with blogging about it, and IMO anyone who thinks that making your life harder right now is no friend. Password protect the whole thing if you need to; everybody who’s ever had a hard time will understand completely.

    Hugs from an internet stranger.

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