So. That breakup thing? Turns out it’s kind of kicking my ass.

When I texted The Guy on Sunday night that this was too hard and that I couldn’t do it anymore, and I was too close to falling for him and there were too many red flags and I knew we weren’t going to last long-term and I had to use my self-preservation instincts for once in my life… I don’t know what I was expecting. He didn’t text me back that night, or the next morning, so I figured that he was either really pissed or relieved to be rid of me.

I heard from him that afternoon, and he was just so, so sad. He understands, he knows what the problems are, and he understands why it’s too much for me to handle.

Honestly? That just made it worse. I mean, hey, call me a selfish bitch or tell me I’m a horrible person or fly off the handle or, just, SOMETHING that makes it easier for me to write you off. Don’t tell me what a wonderful person I am and how you want me to be happy and that you’re jealous of the lucky guy that gets to have me. That’s just not fair.

I texted him back, “Just FYI, you really suck at being an a$$hole.”

We’re going to try being friends and see how that goes. That basically means we’re still talking/texting every day. I told him I can’t see him in person for a while, I need some physical distance. I honestly don’t trust myself alone with him at this point. But he’s become such an integral part of my daily life over the past 8 months, I couldn’t imagine just cutting off all contact with him.

But I’ve been in this funk ever since Sunday night. I’m just so… sad. And I know it’s normal, this is what happens when a relationship ends. But it’s a holiday, and I feel like I should be happy, and I should be enjoying my family, and instead I can’t shake this black cloud that’s hovering over my head.

I’m trying to focus inward. To work on myself, to be more present for my girls, to realize that I don’t have to be in such a rush for every damn thing in my life to hurry up and happen already.

It’s just a lot harder than I expected.