I bring my lunch to work every day. Mostly because it’s cheaper, but also because it gives me the feeling that I have some control over my diet. I usually bring a Lean Cuisine-type frozen lunch, because I’m lazy and that way I don’t have to think about it in the morning.
Today, however, I went to the kitchen to microwave my lunch, and… it wasn’t there. Someone ate my Lean Cuisine. The hell? Who does something like that?? There was another Lean Cuisine in the freezer, so I’m guessing that someone just forgot which one they brought and ate mine by mistake. I briefly considered eating the Lean Cuisine that was still in the freezer, but it was a lemongrass chicken, which I think is gross. (For the record, I had brought the roasted garlic chicken, which is one of my favorites.)
I just stood there at the freezer for a couple of minutes, staring in shock, waiting for my lunch to magically re-appear or something. One of the guys I work with walked in and asked how I was doing. Dumbly, I blurt out, “Someone ate my lunch!” He was all, “wha?” So I explained that my frozen entree had disappeared. He laughed and said, “Wow, I thought that stuff only happened in Dilbert cartoons.” Um, yeah. Me too.
When I recovered, I went to the cafeteria to buy my stupid lunch. The cafeteria here does have a pretty kick-ass salad bar, it’s just a bit too expensive to eat there every day.
But I keep coming back to wonder who on earth would take someone else’s lunch. Even if it was an accident, how do you confuse what you brought for yourself with someone else’s food? What the freakin’ hell?!
The same thing kept happening with my Diet Coke at work. I now put a sticky note with my name on everything I bring in. I think people feel more guilty taking it if there’s a name on it.
The freezer in my office is packed with frozen lunches. I can’t imagine that people even remember what is theirs or would notice if something was eaten. (I blame the Elboneans). If we threw it all out on a Friday afternoon, would anyone care on Monday morning?
Ah, but see, the maintenance people clean it all out once a month, so there are usually only 3 or 4 things in there, tops. The fridge is a different story, it’s usually packed, but the freezer? Not so much.
Rick: [putting on jacket] Neil, you know exactly what I need. Cause all my stuff is marked with sticky labels!
Vyvyan: Wait a minute! Is yours the stuff with the sticky labels with ‘Rick’ written on it?
Rick: Yes!
Vyvyan: [false compassion] Oh, sorry! I’m very sorry, Rick! I didn’t know! I thought it was mine, and I’ve eaten it! Every last bit!
Neil: Look, guys, I know exactly whose food is whose, right. Cause I do all the shopping around here. And I do all the cleaning. My function around here, I might as well be your mothers!
Rick: But Neil, we don’t hate our mothers!
Neil: Alright, so most metaphors don’t bear close examination! Anyway, for example, [places a plate on the table] This glob of green mould on a saucer is Rick’s.
Rick: Yes, and I’ve spat on that, Vyvyan. So I wouldn’t advise you eat it!
*falls off chair*
Oh, that’s too funny…
And once again, I have no idea what you two are talking about. Bloody Brits…
*EXPLOSION*
Neil: Look out everyone, he’s coming through the doors.
Vyv: BRILLIANT ! He didn’t even open them….
Neil: He’s here !!!!
Mike: Quick Rick, do the speech.
*Music starts*
Rick: “Hey kids, stop snogging and pay attention to me. ‘Cos if you’re a wild-eyed loner standing at the gates of Oblivion, hitch a ride with us. ‘Cos we’re on the last freedom moped out of Nowhere City, and we haven’t even told our parents what time we’ll be back ! So put on your dancing trousers, and get down to the utter King of Rock and Roll, CLIFF RICHARD !!!” (jumps in the air)
Fin.
Best. Show. Ever.