Category Archives: Blah-blah-blah

CSI: Garbage Can Mystery

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Ok, so, I don’t know how many people who read this remember Rose, but she’s the brown lab who tends to show up and hang out at our house for hours on end, until we leave a nasty message on her owner’s machine and she (the owner) finally gets off her ass & comes to fetch the dog. The problem, apparently, is that sometimes this stupid woman doesn’t feel like walking Rose from her back door to her dog pen in the backyard, so she just opens the back door, and naturally, Rose wanders off instead of going to her pen. And because she used to find food at our house (until I made the “no Rose in the house because she scares the bejeezus out of the cats and I’m tired of prying them off the ceiling” rule), she usually comes straight over. Steve thought she was cute back when he first started building the deck because she’d hang out with him all day and keep him company. Now, she drives him crazy because she’ll do things like walk across the deck that he just applied a stain to, and leave big muddy pawprints all over it. Basically, Rose is a very sweet dog, but she’s dumb as a box of rocks and she doesn’t take a hint when her presence is unwelcome. If I knew where she lived, I’d take her home myself; unfortunately, I only know the vague direction of her house, I don’t know which one is actually hers.

Anyway. Sometimes if our trash can is full, we might set a hefty bag next to our big outdoor trash can. If Rose is around, we can pretty much guarantee that she’s going to tear it apart looking for food and leave garbage strewn across the driveway. Fun. This morning, however, it was quite a different sight when I walked out of the house to head to work, and this is what unnerves me. All of the hefty bags? Were inside the trash can. And our big huge outdoor garbage can? Was turned over on its side. The garbage bag that was closest to the top had been pulled more than halfway down the driveway before it was torn apart and destroyed. I don’t think it was Rose, because: (a) Yes, she’s a lab, so she’s not a small dog, but I don’t think she’s strong enough to turn the garbage can over. It’s big and heavy, and I just can’t imagine how she could do that by herself. And, (b) if she got her paws on the garbage bag, she wouldn’t pull it away from the scene of the crime to destroy it. She’s just not that bright.

So, now I’m having my own little CSI investigation to try to figure out what the hell kind of animal could do this. Here are my list of suspects:
1. Our cats. Yeah, right. They don’t dig through the indoor trash can, I seriously doubt they’d attack the one outside. And I don’t think all of their strength combined could turn it over.
2. Deer. We have two that hang out in our yard on a semi-regular basis. They like to eat the grass. I’ve never seen them go anywhere near the trash cans.
3. Coyotes. Steve has seen one in our yard on a couple of occasions, which freaks me out to no end. But I think they’d be more interested in eating things like, oh, our cats than foraging through the trash. Although I suppose it’s possible.
4. Raccoons. I’ve heard stories about raccoons that are smart enough to take rocks off of garbage can lids so they can rummage through the trash, and when they’re done they replace the lid, as well as the rock, back on top of the can. But still, I think it’d take several raccoons to knock over our garbage can, and I don’t know that they’re a real work-together-to-solve-a-problem kind of animal. Rodents generally aren’t. Still, given my other options, I hope to God that it’s just raccoons.
5. A puma. We heard that a neighbor of ours found a puma eating one of her sheep. This freaks me out even more than the coyote idea. I mean, if I found a coyote attacking one of our cats, I might have enough adrenaline to go after it with a baseball bat or a frying pan or something. But a freakin’ puma?!?! What the hell would you do? I don’t have a gun, and I refuse to get one, so I have no clue how I’d react to that situation. Sorry, kitties, but I guess you’re on your own there. Still, I don’t think pumas are a very forage-through-trash type of animal. It kind of goes against their whole sleek, sexy, stealthy image if they’re caught licking the remnants of a Twinkie out of a cellophane wrapper. That mental image seems very un-puma-like.
6. A bear. This seems like the most obvious culprit. A bear is big enough to knock over the trash can, strong enough to drag the trash bag down the driveway (a good 10 yards or so), and they’re known to rummage through trash looking for food. So ok, maybe it’s a bear.

WTF?!?!! Holy motherf#$%ing hell, how did I wind up living in a place where a motherf#$%ing bear could come as close to my home as my driveway?!?!! Do you know how close I sleep to the driveway? I mean, ok not very close, because I’m inside the house, upstairs, and all the exterior doors are locked, but still! A bear?? Ack! Scary!!

So I’m freaking out about that. Meanwhile, this site about pretentiously idiotic baby names is absolutely hilarious. And true. I mean, seriously, did anyone name their kid Madison before “Splash”? Sample excerpt:

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We aren’t having kids for another year or two, but we like Kellyna Nychole, Taryn Mykah and Mykenzie Kathryn for girls.

This woman was indicted under the Flagrant Over-Use of the Letters K and Y Act of 1983.
——————————-

That site is a bit of a time-sucker, and I’ve had a hard time making my laughs sounds like coughs so as not to alarm my office mate, but it’s great. Go read it when you have time.

heaven

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Has anyone tried these? I just had one out of the vending machine at work, and dear god, I believe I have found the promised land. Rice Krispies, marshmallow AND chocolate in one delicious, cellophane-wrapped package? Are you kidding me? Ah, bliss…

That’s all. Happy Friday.

another boring wedding update which probably only the girls will read

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Dave and I met our minister for the wedding on Tuesday night, and we both really liked her. She’s very warm and funny, and we felt very comfortable with her. She has a lot of different options for customizing our ceremony, so we can make it feel like us – and even though Dave and I are probably going to stick with the mostly-traditional vows, I like the idea that we have options. In any case, the ceremony won’t be too preachy – a few spiritual/higher power references, but no sermons about accepting Jesus or anything like that. (For any of you who care, I do consider myself a Christian, but I also don’t consider that to be something that I need to broadcast to the entire world.) She gave us homework – Dave and I have to write a “mission statement” for our marriage, which should prove to be interesting.

Then last night, I went to meet with our photographer – it was Dave’s only night off this week because he has a lot of work stuff going on in the evenings, so I went by myself. [Side note to Sally: I don’t think Dave is allergic to the photographer, but I’m going to keep a close eye on him just in case.] [Side note to Angie: She looks nothing like the pinched-sourpuss Starr on “Project Runway”. She’s got blonde curly hair and a great smile. They couldn’t look more different, for having the same name.] That was fun, I really adore her photos and she thought I was 24, so obviously I love her.

Tonight, after I leave work, I’m going to get a massage. Hooray! I can’t wait. I called at least half a dozen places, trying to find one that could fit me in on this particular evening, because it’s the only free time that I have, since Dave has some dinner meeting thing tonight. The place that could fit me in had only a male massage therapist available. In the past, I’ve never really been comfortable with that idea because I have a truckload (or 3) of body image issues and a petrifying fear of negative judgment from, well, everyone, but men in particular. Right now, though, I am so exhausted from waking up a hundred times every night with my back aching that I just don’t care. If some man who I’ve never met before (and who I may never see again) realizes that I’m flat-chested and that I have cellulite on my thighs, big freakin’ whoop. It’s not the end of the world. Because guess what? There’s a fantastic guy out there who loves my pancake boobies and my jiggle butt, and he’s marrying me in 17 days. So there, body image issues. Nyah.

I'm a little ray of sunshine

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Since I’ve been doing an awful lot of blog-whining lately, I thought I would do a happy post today.

1) I woke up in the middle of the night, somehow convinced that I had overslept, and I bolted up out of bed. I looked at the clock, and saw that it was 2 a.m. Getting to dive back under the covers when you realize that you have 4 more hours of sleep is one of the most delicious feelings in the world. I should try to wake myself up at 2 a.m. every night so I can keep doing that.

2) We’re meeting with our minister tonight, Reverend Mary. Should be fun.

3) Since we signed the loan, I’m finally getting to make all the phone calls about all the house repairs that I’ve been wanting to do for ages – and which we haven’t been able to schedule because our finances were so uncertain. Today we have a guy coming out to give us a quote on putting in a driveway. Bye-bye, pothole-ridden gravel! And I want a cute little pathway/sidewalk that leads around the side of the house to the new deck, too! Next on the list are the exterminators to take care of our wasp problem – there are tons of nests under the eaves of the house, and one on the garage that is literally the size of my head. Third, we have to call a junk-hauling service for all of the work we’ve done on the house so far – we have pulled-up carpets to get rid of, a broken washer & dryer, all kinds of garbage. And finally, we’re going to have an electrician install lighting on our new, enormous deck. Fun stuff. I know it sounds weird, but I’m actually really excited to get these last few details ironed out. It’s all about making the house feel like a home, you know? So this is very happy stuff for me.

4) I am SO getting a massage this week. I left a message at a “healing arts” place near our house, I’m just waiting for them to call me back so I can book the appointment. I can’t wait.

done!

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We signed our loan yesterday. Finally. In only 7-10 business days, we will have the money that we need to pay for the wedding, house repairs, and then some. Glory, glory hallelujah, it’s over.

Now if someone would please just explain to my body that it’s time for the headache to go away and for my shoulders to un-knot… (Yes, I know, I will keep exercising, I promise.)

We signed. I still can’t believe it. Happy sigh.

the dress, and shoe shopping (part two)

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I had my first dress fitting yesterday. It needs a hem and it’s a little too big in the shoulders, but other than that, it’s perfect. And those are pretty minor alterations, really. Plus, it makes me look like I have boobs, so yay for the magic dress. The first time I tried it on, I stared at myself in the mirror until the saleslady came to check on me. So I think it’s safe to say that I love-love-love it.

However, one sad note about my $20 shoes that I was so excited about: they totally don’t work with the dress. The straps are too chunky, I need something a bit more delicate-looking. And they’re also way too white for an ivory dress. Sigh. The jewelry I bought doesn’t work either, but I kept all the tags on that because I figured that I’d end up returning it, and I was right. Anyway, I’ve been looking for shoes online all morning, and I can’t find anything I like that (a) comes in ivory and (b) looks delicate. Or rather, the few things that I can find are those pointy-toed shoes, and I am just not a pointy-toed kind of girl. Damn, damn, damn. I guess that means I’ll be back to shoe-shopping over the weekend. Which is fine, I’m just not a huge fan of the mall. And I really don’t want to end up with those satin dyed shoes, because those things are absolute murder on the feet. Ugh.

Ok, happy news:
* The septic tank is all fixed! And it didn’t cost $10K like we were afraid it might! Now we should be able to proceed with the home equity loan! And now I can freely flush and not wonder about where it’s going! Hooray!
* The lumber for our deck is being delivered this afternoon.
* We hired a photographer for our wedding. Special shout-out to Angie for giving me a list of tips and things to ask when hiring a photographer, which I otherwise would’ve been totally clueless about.
* Dave and I are going to apply for our marriage license this afternoon. Should be fun. In much the same way that a trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles is fun. I think I might bring a book. And maybe my iPod.

oh what a week…

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…and it’s only Tuesday. Let’s hammer out the bad news first, shall we? It seems that death abounds.

* My cousin Alphagal’s dog died over the weekend. I shall miss reading Modean’s entries on his dog blog, and it’s always heartbreaking to lose a pet, so my heart goes out to her & SNG.
* My best friend Kris’s grandmother died over the weekend of lung cancer. The good news is that this may finally be what scares Kris into quitting smoking. But still, it’s her grandma, and she’s (understandably) upset, so that’s no good.
* My friend Naina, who’s been having a not-so-fabulous year thus far anyway, lost both her aunt and cousin in a car accident over the weekend. Her uncle was in the car too, he’s stable in ICU. These are relatives that she was extremely close to – she usually introduced her cousin to people as her brother. And I’m pretty sure he was around our age, mid to late 20’s. So that’s just horrible.

In the category of not-really-good news, but not as bad as above:

* Dave’s kitties have a vet appointment this afternoon, because at least 2 of them have tapeworms. And if they share a litter box, that means they probably all have them. Gross, gross, gross. I’m just glad I’m not involved in trying to wrangle 3 cats into the car to go to the vet – that’ll be Dave & Steve’s fun afternoon task.
* We had our house appraised on Sunday, for what is hopefully the final step in the 2-month-long process of trying to get a home equity loan. We need the money for the deck that Steve is building, the driveway we want to put in (good-bye, gravel!), to replace the siding on the house, and oh yeah, to pay for our wedding, so it’s sort of infuriating that they didn’t tell us that we needed the damn appraisal until now, when we started this process back in mid-February. The good part of the appraisal: the house might possibly be cleaner now than it has ever been (I sort of went nuts at the idea of having a stranger evaluating our home). The bad part: it’s yet another delay in this ridiculously long & painful process of getting a loan. I have taken on the role of the Annoying Borrower – I’m calling the loan officer at least twice a day. “Have you gotten the report yet? Has it gone to the underwriters? When do we sign??” I figure that she’s the moron who didn’t inform us up front about all of the documentation that we were going to need, so I feel no guilt whatsoever in nagging her.

In happy news:
* We have an officiant for our wedding, an inter-denominational minister named Reverend Mary. I spoke with her yesterday and liked her immediately. Apparently she really gets to know the couples that she marries before the wedding, so she can make the ceremony very personal. She’s going to give Dave and me homework to do, sort of like a form of pre-marriage counseling, so I think that’s cool.
* Dave has made it 10 days with no cigarettes, so I think he has officially left the “trying to quit smoking” phase and entered the “has officially quit” phase. Yay!
* Last night, we got home and found that Steve had cleaned the garage – and he even built shelves on one of the walls so we have storage space! I was so excited that I could’ve kissed him. Except that he’s about to be my brother-in-law, and that would be weird.
* My old apartment, which I was still paying for because of weird lease circumstances, has been rented to a new tenant, which means I am officially off the hook, and I’ll get refunded for half of this month’s rent. That’s awesome.
* I am getting married in exactly 40 days. Whoo-hoo!