Author Archives: Cindy

Liquid Lessons Learned

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I did the liquid diet for 5 days.

I also lost 10 pounds in 5 days.

(Yes, I know that’s mostly water weight. I’m hoping actual pounds lost is two. Even that might be optimistic, I don’t know.)

I have also decided, as of the piece of whole wheat toast that I broke down and ate this afternoon, that I am officially DONE with this whole liquid diet experiment.

It was interesting, and I learned a lot about myself – mainly, that I do have more willpower than I ever gave myself credit for, and that it is possible for me to feed the kids without nabbing a bite of their stuff for myself. It’s hard as hell, but I can do it. And hopefully if I can continue to do it long enough, it will eventually become a habit.

I learned how very little it takes for me to actually start to feel satisfied, and that I need to listen to my body cues and pay closer attention to that, to help me control my portions. I think the diet books call that “mindful eating.” The whole idea of putting down your fork in between bites, not eating in front of the TV or computer (damn, that one is HARD for me), that kind of thing. So I’m going to continue to work on that.

And I learned how much better I feel when I’m not full of salty junk food and when I’m really well-hydrated. (Probably TMI, but OMG y’all, the peeing this week. It has been INSANE.) I thought I was drinking a lot of water before, but I learned that I need way more water than I’ve been having. I’ll keep up with that too.

So, hopefully, even though the liquid diet is over, this will be a good launching point for me, and I can keep some of the momentum and continue to lose weight. We’ll see, anyway.

Fingers crossed.

past the halfway point

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I’m on day 4 of the liquid diet. How’s it going, you might ask? Well, let’s see…

* Day 1 – Hey, this isn’t so bad!

* Day 2 – Holy crap, somebody is going to die before this week is over.

* Day 2.5, part 1 – I cracked. And let me tell you, that was the most delicious handful of baby carrots I have ever eaten in my entire life.

* Day 2.5, part 2 – I’ve decided that negative-calorie foods (meaning raw celery, plain lettuce, etc. – things that burn more calories in chewing/digesting them than they contain in them) just don’t count. Because OMG, I NEED TO CHEW SOMETHING.

* Day 3 – Major headache, I’m guessing from carb/sugar withdrawal. It sucks.

* Day 3.5 (last night) – The combination of sleep deprivation (thanks to Lucy’s current sinus infection), the aforementioned headache, and the lack of food turned me into a Rage Monster. And that was when I almost hit Lucy.

It was bedtime, and she was crying and kept climbing out of her bed instead of going to sleep, which is not all that abnormal really, but for some reason it just pushed me over the edge. I don’t remember the last time I was that angry. I wanted to hit her. I wanted to throw her down the stairs. I wanted her to just… disappear. For that one moment, I hated my baby.

Instead of doing any of the horrible things in my head, I closed her bedroom door and walked away, and I left her to scream for a while. I essentially put myself in a time-out. I felt sick and my hands were shaking. I texted Greis (who is doing this liquid diet in solidarity with me this week because she is the most awesome friend ever), and I took some deep breaths and tried to calm myself down. Then I went back and got Lucy and gave her a bottle, and she was asleep about two minutes later.

And even though I know that that wasn’t really me, that it was just a lot of external factors overwhelming me, I still haven’t quite forgiven myself for the things that went through my head last night.

* Day 4 – So far I’m ok. Got the kids off to school this morning, no meltdowns or anything. This morning, I weighed myself and I was at a number I haven’t weighed in well over a year. (Yes, I know it’s mostly water weight, but I’ll take it.)

It occurs to me that I’ve made it over halfway already, and I’m grateful for that. I’m not sure if I’ll make it all the way through Saturday, but I’m going to give it my best shot.

Next time the Rage Monster shows up, though, I may have to just bite the bullet and give her some damn carbs already. Because I really don’t want to feel like that ever again.

wondering if vodka qualifies for a liquid diet…

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I was debating whether or not to talk about this here, and I decided that not talking about it makes it seem like something I’m ashamed of, so here goes.

I think it’s kind of public knowledge at this point, but I had gastric bypass surgery over ten years ago. (Btw, if you go look at that entry, all of the picture links are broken and I’m not sure where the original files are to try to fix them. I’ll work on that someday.)

I lost about 100 pounds from surgery. It absolutely changed my life and I don’t regret it for one second. But in the past 10 years, I’ve had two pregnancies and a relatively traumatic divorce (hello, several months of post-partum depression/anxiety combined with eating my feelings!). As of today, I’ve regained a little over 30 of the 100 pounds that I lost. I reached a number on the scale that made me panic. I think we all have THAT number in our heads, and it varies for each person, but it’s your own personal “HOLY CRAP!” number. In my case, that panic led me to set up an appointment with a bariatric surgeon.

They ran a lot of tests on me, and found that the space between my pouch (surgically-reduced stomach) and my small intestine has expanded. So, basically, when I eat, everything empties out of my stomach immediately, which is why I’m constantly hungry. And constantly eating. Bad cycle.

So, I could theoretically have what they call a “revision” of my surgery – where they go back in and reduce everything back down to its original post-surgery size. And I’m pretty sure my insurance would cover it. But that also means, you know, HAVING SURGERY. Which was not a big deal when I was 26 and single. But at this point, with two kids who need me to be on my game around the clock, the whole idea of “recovery time” makes it seem like an impossible thing to even consider.

The surgeon I met with suggested that I try a liquid diet for a week. The idea is to sort of hit a “reset” button on my appetite, and to try to kick-start my metabolism. I knew I couldn’t do that over Thanksgiving, so I started it today.

I have no idea what the outcome will be from this, and I’m terrified of failing, but I’m giving it a shot.

So, you know, if I seem a whole lot grumpier and more sensitive than normal for the next week? Well, now you’ll know why.

break-up post-mortem

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So. That breakup thing? Turns out it’s kind of kicking my ass.

When I texted The Guy on Sunday night that this was too hard and that I couldn’t do it anymore, and I was too close to falling for him and there were too many red flags and I knew we weren’t going to last long-term and I had to use my self-preservation instincts for once in my life… I don’t know what I was expecting. He didn’t text me back that night, or the next morning, so I figured that he was either really pissed or relieved to be rid of me.

I heard from him that afternoon, and he was just so, so sad. He understands, he knows what the problems are, and he understands why it’s too much for me to handle.

Honestly? That just made it worse. I mean, hey, call me a selfish bitch or tell me I’m a horrible person or fly off the handle or, just, SOMETHING that makes it easier for me to write you off. Don’t tell me what a wonderful person I am and how you want me to be happy and that you’re jealous of the lucky guy that gets to have me. That’s just not fair.

I texted him back, “Just FYI, you really suck at being an a$$hole.”

We’re going to try being friends and see how that goes. That basically means we’re still talking/texting every day. I told him I can’t see him in person for a while, I need some physical distance. I honestly don’t trust myself alone with him at this point. But he’s become such an integral part of my daily life over the past 8 months, I couldn’t imagine just cutting off all contact with him.

But I’ve been in this funk ever since Sunday night. I’m just so… sad. And I know it’s normal, this is what happens when a relationship ends. But it’s a holiday, and I feel like I should be happy, and I should be enjoying my family, and instead I can’t shake this black cloud that’s hovering over my head.

I’m trying to focus inward. To work on myself, to be more present for my girls, to realize that I don’t have to be in such a rush for every damn thing in my life to hurry up and happen already.

It’s just a lot harder than I expected.

Transitions.

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Random stuff from this weekend:

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My sister was here this weekend, and my mom and I went shopping for wedding dresses with her. That was… oh, man. It was bad. Two things:

1. Wedding dress sample sizes. I forgot how they’re all teeny-tiny (they say it’s a size 10 but it’s more like a 6), and they expect regular girls to somehow squeeze into these tiny dresses and try to get an idea of whether or not the same dress in our actual size (which is at least 2 sizes bigger than what we wear in regular clothes, because I guess wedding dress designers really like to screw with a woman’s self-esteem on the single most special day of her life by making her feel like a moose) will look good on us.

God, y’all, poor Tracy. I had been all, “Yay! Dress shopping! Fun!” Then as soon as she started putting them on, I was like, “ohhhh, PTSD, dude.” I feel so bad for not warning her in advance. I forgot about all of the bridal shops that I cried in because I hated the way I looked in all of their dresses. I swear it’s more traumatic than swimsuit shopping. At least in a swimsuit, you can think, “Ehh, I’ll blend in at the pool, no biggie.” In a wedding dress, you KNOW everyone is going to be looking at you. It’s horrible.

2. If you are a bride-to-be who is going shopping for anything wedding-related, you should perhaps think twice before inviting along someone who’s been divorced for all of a month. Bitterness and cynicism, party of two, your table is ready!

I fear I am a terrible, terrible maid of honor. Sigh.

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The girls have done really well this time after Dave left. Catie was a little sad on Friday, but then my sister showed up on Friday night, and she was pretty well distracted after that. Lucy has asked for, “Daddy? Daddy?” a couple of times, but I just say, “Nope, Daddy’s not here right now,” and she accepts that and moves on without freaking out.

Like last time, I told Catie that on Sunday, we could do something fun, and she could choose what our adventure would be. She picked the North Carolina History Museum. I swear I don’t know where this little nerd child of mine comes from, but I love her for it. The entire trip cost me the gas to get downtown and a whopping 51 cents so she could use one of those machines that flattens a penny and imprints it with a design (in this case, it was an airplane – the whole North Carolina “First in Flight” thing).

Oh these girls.

So, they’re doing really well. Which has been a huge relief.

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I broke up with The Guy last night. Via text message, because I am a coward when it comes to confrontations. There’s so much of the story that I don’t want to share, because only half of the story is mine, and I can’t speak for him.

I’ll say this: I spent years of my life trying to bend myself to make myself fit into the mold of what I thought the man I was with wanted me to be. (Not Dave’s fault, I take responsibility for that myself.) I realized that I was doing the same thing with him, just in a completely different way. And I can’t – no, I’m not willing to – live like that anymore.

It sucks, and I’m upset about it. At the same time, in the grand scheme of failed relationships of my life? I’m not sure if this one even registers on the Disaster Scale.

But that’s that. I’m thinking I’m going to take the holidays to focus on my girls and maybe a little more self-care (working out, meditating, whatever I need to do to feel more like “me” again), and then take it from there.

Onward we go, right?

visitation, again

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It feels like there’s been a lot going on lately that I haven’t blogged about. Not even intentionally, I just haven’t gotten around to it.

Like, for example, Dave’s been here for the past 10 days. He’s making a real effort to be around more for the girls, and I appreciate it. These past couple of visits have been completely calm and drama-free, which is a huge relief.

This trip was also the first time that he kept both kids overnight (usually he only keeps Catie because I’ve been so worried about Lucy and her high-maintenance ways). One of the nights that he kept both kids, I slept for 11 hours. It was freaking magical, let me tell you.

Of course, he left this morning and I’m worried about the fallout, especially for Catie. Yesterday when I went to pick her up from daycare, she saw me and immediately burst into tears. I told her that Daddy was going to come over that night (last night) to say goodbye before he left, and she cried harder and said that she wouldn’t tell him goodbye so he couldn’t leave. She said that she wanted to move to Seattle with him.

This was also the first time that Lucy really seemed to notice Dave’s presence (or lack thereof). A couple of times, Dave took only Catie with him and left Lucy with me, and Lucy would grab her jacket and run to the door. She’d stand there and cry when they left without her, while I tried to console her.

Basically? These kids are breaking my heart. This isn’t something I can fix for them, even though I wish like hell that I could.

He’ll be back at Christmas, which isn’t that far from now, but how do you explain that to a little kid who can’t really grasp things like days versus weeks?

My sister is coming to town this weekend, so that should be a good distraction.

I want them to have a relationship with their dad. And I think my job is basically to facilitate that and make these transitions as smooth as possible.

Sunday sister snuggles.

I just really want those happy faces back. Hopefully it won’t take too long until we’re back in our normal groove. And hopefully, as time goes on, each subsequent visit will require less and less readjustment time afterward. I can dream, right?

Dating for Dummies

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A few people who I know and love (hi, Greis, Issa, and Jenna, among others!) have mentioned recently that they don’t know how to date. And I have had so much experience with it, that I figured, what the hell. I’ll write a little how-to guide for y’all.

(I’m a giver. You’re welcome.)

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CHAPTER 1: ONLINE DATING SITES

This is where the vast majority of my dating experience comes from, so hopefully I can help out with some useful information here.

Which site to use?
Personal preference, that’s really up to you. I met Dave on Match.com, but I’m currently on OkCupid. I’ve heard good things about eHarmony and PlentyOfFish, too. One thing to keep in mind is that the market on each site may be vastly different based on where you live. So check them out, see which one feels the most comfortable to you (and which one gets the kind of search results – excuse me, I mean guys – that you like), and go from there.

Your Dating Profile
A few points to note here:
1. Be honest. Don’t pull a bait-and-switch on anybody. Like, I’m never going to put on my dating profile that I “love the outdoors” and lure some poor schmuck in by thinking that I’ll go camping with him, because you know what? No. It’ll never happen. And I’m not going to talk about sports that I like, because I don’t like any of them. Sorry, dudes. What you see is what you get.

2. Be funny. This is SO HARD on a dating profile, but seriously, just work in some mild humor where you can. It goes a long way. (If you want to know my OkCupid username so you can go look up my profile and copy some of my stuff, let me know and I’ll email it to you. I’m just not posting it here, because… uh. No. Separation of church and state or whatever.)

3. Post a current picture of yourself. I know, it’s shallow. We should be judged on the content of our characters and not by our appearances, right? Well, sort of. Look, I’ll admit it, I’ve turned down some guys that look perfectly nice on paper because I was just flat-out not attracted to them. It happens. One guy had a 97% compatibility match with me (97%!!), but he also had a long twirly handlebar mustache. And I’m sorry, I know it’s shallow, and you might be otherwise perfect for me, but I cannot possibly think about making out with you if you happen to look like the villain in an old black and white movie who ties the damsel to the train tracks. Just, no. Your face killed my lady boner. Sorry, dude.

Also? Something I heard from one of the guys I went out with – don’t do the “MySpace Angle” in your profile picture, where you take the picture from 3 feet above your head to make you look thinner than you are. He wasn’t an asshole about that, btw – he liked me and lord knows I’ve got a little extra chunk on me – his point was that it’s just a misrepresentation. It comes back to that whole “be honest” thing I said in point #1.

Using the Dating Site
This is kind of a weird double standard, but it’s true. If you’re a female? You kinda don’t need to do much at this point. Once your profile is posted, you will most likely be contacted by a lot of guys.

But, if you want to search and find some guys that you want to contact yourself, hey! Awesome! Go for it! I did it once or twice myself. Sure, some guys might be put off by forward women who initiate the first contact, but those guys are clearly insecure and have tiny penises, so let’s roll our eyes and feel sorry for them and move on.

KEEP IN MIND! You are going to have to do a LOT of weeding. As we all know, the Internet is full of sketchy people and creepers, and dating sites are no different.
* I can almost guarantee you will get approached by at least a couple of guys who are very plainly just looking for a one-night stand. You don’t owe them a polite reply. Ignore, delete, move on.
* You will also most likely be contacted by many guys who are married and “looking for a discreet encounter.” (This happens to me surprisingly frequently.) Which, eww, right? Those guys usually get a curt reply from me that says, “I don’t f**k married men. Bye.”
* You may also get emails from guys who are in “open relationships,” and don’t even get me started on that topic, because hey, consenting adults and as long as everyone uses condoms and whatever, but bottom line? Not for me, thanks anyway, move along.

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CHAPTER 2: THE ACTUAL DATE

Ok, so let’s say you do your online dating profile and you end up chatting with a guy who “gives good email” (heh) and seems compatible with you. Here are some ground rules for the first date. Some are safety oriented, some are for your own sanity.

1. Yes, it’s ok to give the guy your cell number so you can text each other. This is pretty common practice nowadays.

2. Have a go-to “first date” outfit. It’ll save you time and worrying if you go out with more than one person. (Plus, the whole, “Wait, did I wear this when I went out with him last time?” thing.) Mine is a particular pair of jeans (which I call my “good butt” jeans) and a cute top with a pair of wedge sandals. (Gonna have to rethink those shoes for winter. Hmmm.)

3. For the first date, meet in a well-lit public place. He doesn’t need to know where you live, and you don’t need to get in a car with a virtual stranger.

4. Make sure someone knows where you are. If you’re nervous that it’s going to be awful, have a friend text you at a certain time (about 20 minutes into the date) in case you need to make a quick exit. If you’re having fun, you can ignore the text. (Honestly, I never do this anymore. I figure I can suck it up and talk to pretty much anyone for an hour or so and it won’t kill me.)

5. The best possible plan for a first date is to meet for coffee (during the day) or a drink (at night), but no meals. If you’re having a meal together, you’ve committed to a big chunk of time. For a coffee/drink date, you can easily drag it out if you’re having a good time, or you can cut it short if you’re not. It makes it easier and less awkward for both parties.

Side note: Do not go see a movie on the first date, or even the first few dates, really. The idea is to get to know each other. You don’t get to know someone by sitting next to them in the dark and not speaking.

6. Remember the weeding I mentioned earlier? Yeah. You’re still gonna have to keep doing that. Some guys you might go out with and you don’t feel it. Or you might like them a lot, but they don’t feel it for you. Rejection sucks in either direction, but it happens. You’re probably going to go on a lot of first dates that don’t lead to second dates. It’s just how it works.

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CHAPTER 3: AFTER THE FIRST DATE

1. This is hard, but try to be a little thick-skinned about it if someone blows you off. Likewise, you need to have a (preferably polite) blow-off message to send to someone who may be interested in you, but who you aren’t interested in yourself. This is rough. Mine is basically this:

“Thanks, I had a really nice time, but I just didn’t feel that ‘spark’ or whatever, and I know myself well enough to know that if it doesn’t happen on the first date, it mostly likely never will happen. I’m really sorry, and I wish you the best of luck in finding your match. Take care!”

Something like that, more or less.

2. On the other hand, if he digs you and wants to see you again, and you dig him and want to see him again… well. From here, I’m guessing you can probably figure it all out for yourself.

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Ok, that’s basically it. If you have questions, let me know in the comments and I’ll try to answer them as best I can. (Oooh, maybe this will be a multi-part series! Fun!)

Happy hunting, ladies! XOXO