I feel really “off” lately. I can’t quite put my finger on it, it’s not quite a full-blown depression or anything that severe, but there are a lot of small things that are adding up to make me feel like I’m not myself. Like:
1. I’ve hit the point of pregnancy where I can no longer sleep comfortably for long periods (examples: I have to pee, the baby is kicking, my hip hurts, whatever), so I’m really freaking exhausted all the time.
2. Pregnancy hormones are making me a weepy and grouchy mess, which I hate. I spend way too much time either completely irritable, or on the verge of tears. I like to be in control of my feelings, so I’m not a fan of this.
3. Related to the hormone mess: I feel puffy and fat, and even my skin feels stretched tight, like it doesn’t know what to do with these changes. I don’t feel like a glowing pregnant Earth Mother type. I feel ugly, and I feel dry and itchy all over. I don’t feel like I “own” my body, if that makes sense. It’s like my body has been hijacked by some mysterious creature and I just have to put up with it for several more months while things get progressively more miserable.
4. I miss Dave. We live together and work at the same company, but it feels like we don’t see other very much. Weird, right? Well, case in point: he had a massive deadline that was due today, so he worked all weekend. And I mean, like, he worked: he drank coffee and didn’t sleep for 2 days. (He took a two-hour nap on Sunday afternoon. That was the only sleep he had between Saturday morning and Monday morning.) I know it was stuff that he needed to finish, but it makes me worry about his health when he pulls all-nighters like that. We basically barely spoke to each other all weekend because I wanted to leave him alone to get his work done, and I spent a lot of time corralling Catie to keep her quiet so she wouldn’t disturb him either. It sucked.
5. The anxiety of “holy crap, this 2nd baby is really on her way, and how on earth am I going to juggle two kids and a full-time job?” is starting to sink in. Plus all of the stereotypical stuff that goes with that – the fear that I’ll be “less” of a mom to Catie once the baby is here, that I’ve maxed out my capacity for love and won’t bond with this new baby, etc. Stupid stuff that I know – I KNOW – isn’t true. But that doesn’t stop me from worrying about it now.
I had an OB appointment this morning, and I talked about a lot of this stuff with my doctor. I told him that I think that the majority of my issues are environmental and not physiological. I’m pretty sure most of it can be filed under, “This too shall pass.” He said that it’s good that I’m aware of it and talking about it, and he wants me to let him know if it starts to feel like something we need to address more seriously.
I don’t want anybody reading this to worry about me. I’ll be ok, and if it feels like things aren’t getting better, then I absolutely will discuss it with my doctor and take it from there. I’m not naive, and I know enough about depression to know when to ask for help.
Today, though, I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.
I totally get where you’re at with #5 there – the second kid, the full time job, anxiety about loving and sharing and equality between the kids etc. I am so glad that you are talking to your doc about it, though! I didn’t and it was a lot harder after our second was born.
Hope your Tuesday is better than your Monday!
I find it funny that you would write about this today, because I was just reading an article on MSNBC.com that says today is traditionally recognized as the “most depressing day of the year”.
Read it here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6847012/ns/world_news/ and just remember you’re not alone!
You know I’m here if you NEED to talk/chat/email about ANYTHING!!! XOXO
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I don’t worry that anything is wrong with you. You are putting to words exactly how I felt with my 2nd pregnancy, and some of the concerns I’ve had since having 2 kids. I think every parent with >1 kid worries that the kids will think they aren’t getting as much love from the parents as the other kid is getting. And I suppose it’s true that ALL kids with siblings are going to feel that way sometimes, no matter what you do. There’s no question that you’ll bond with the 2nd baby, and no question that you’ll find Catie gets a LOT more attention than the baby sometimes (4 yr-olds really know how to get attention, no problem there) but it will all work out in the end.
I laughed at “It’s like my body has been hijacked by some mysterious creature and I just have to put up with it for several more months while things get progressively more miserable. ” Yup, that is exatly what has happened.
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