This past weekend, Dave and I started a process which I am referring to as the DeWhiteTrashification of our home. It’s probably going to take all summer. I’m taking before-and-after photos, but I am not posting the “before” pictures up here until we have made substantial progress, because it is seriously embarassing.
True story: Back when Dave and I first started dating, he had a broken washer and dryer in the driveway. You’re supposed to call the waste management people to do a special “appliance pick-up” for things like that, rather than putting them in the regular trash. A little Sanford & Son-ish to leave it in the driveway, sure, but no big deal, right? I didn’t think it was a deal-breaker or anything, I just figured he was getting around to it.
A year later, when we were about to get married, the broken washer and dryer were still in the driveway. Since we were having the rehearsal dinner at our house, I sort of freaked out about it. Steve, my ever-helpful brother-in-law, moved the washer and dryer around to the side of the house, and lay them on their sides, so they wouldn’t be visible to people coming into the house.
A year after that, which brings us to current day: we have a completely rusted-out broken washer and dryer with grass growing up through them in our yard. Can you get more white trash than that? I think not.
And that is but one of oh-so-many things that we’ll be correcting over the next few months. I’m only admitting to the washer and dryer because that part is already resolved – they’re now sitting in our driveway, tucked safely inside a dumpster that we rented, which will soon be hauled away to someplace unknown where I never have to see or think about them ever again. I can’t wait.
I also went a little crazy with the weed-whacker yesterday. (And apparently I am 12 years old, because the term “weed-whacker” totally makes me giggle. Like hee hee, I said “whack”. Which isn’t funny if you think about it in the Sopranos sense of the word. But “whacker”? Y’all, I am not made of stone. That is a funny word.) Dave mowed the lawn while I weed-whacked. (Hee!) (Okay, I’ll stop.) I really had no idea what a workout that thing is – I noticed after I stopped that my arms were shaking, but I just assumed it was from the vibration of the motor. Sort of like if you spend a lot of time on a boat, it feels really weird to walk on land afterward? I thought it was something like that.
Later that night I went to dinner with Kris, and I had to use two hands to lift a glass of water from the table to my mouth. I would try to lift it with one hand, but I would shake so badly that I thought I was going to drop the glass. Hmm. Maybe it’s just me, but something seemed sort of wrong about that.
Today, my arms are so sore that I can barely lift anything. I went to get a carton of milk out of the fridge this morning and promptly dropped it on the floor. I was using both hands, and it was only a two-quart container, not a gallon. (And do you know how far milk can splatter? It’s insane.)
Of course, I keep giggling at the thought that my arms are sore from the vibration of whacking for three hours yesterday. Which really makes it all worthwhile. Except, ouch.
More white trash: Old sofa on the porch. Dog under same porch.
Funny tool name: wacker-packer. I kid you not, google it.
Yeah, I remember calling someone about taking away the washer and dryer; and I seem to remember them wanting to charge me more than the things were actually worth. I thought, screw it.. I’ll just bury them someday.
No doubt we’ll see them on some antiques show on TLC in 30 years time all lovingly restored and in perfect-working order.
Yes, sweetie, because non-working, rusted-out, slug-infested home appliances are exactly the sort of thing you always see on antiques shows.
I like the burial idea. You wouldn’t even have to dig that far, our yard would just suck them under like it does everything else. (Remember the wheel barrow?)
What happened to the wheel barrow??? Your garden sounds like it’s straight off of Tremors…..
More like Tremors was inspired by ‘our garden’.
Except our garden does not, thankfully, star Kevin Bacon.
We live in what is technically considered wetlands, so if you leave something on the ground for too long (like say, an upside down wheel barrow), the mud starts to pull it under so it can keep growing on top of it. It’s sort of insane.
When the wheel barrow was half-submerged, I tried to pull it out and couldn’t. It took Dave and I both to yank it out of our Yard that Eats Everything. That was fun.
And I agree, I am very thankful that I have never spied Kevin Bacon doing his little Footloose boogie in our yard. Although it might scare that damn raccoon off.
Would the two of you be amenable to other members of the cast of “Tremors” putting in an appearance about the herbacious border? It’s just that if I was a racoon, there’s no way I’d go near a garden that either co-starred Fred Ward or was supported by country singer Reba McIntire. Just a thought.
I do see merit in your suggestion Tumnus. However,
I would fear that the off-kelter comedic timing of Fred Ward coupled with the raw country sound of Reba McIntire might actually result in root damage to our prized flower and herb garden – this would obviously defeat the purpose of using their talents to deter the raccoons.
Perhaps an application of a more ‘watered down’ combination of struggling actor/country icon such as Rob Schneider and Toby Keith might be a better solution.
If Reba promised to sing “Fancy,” she could stay in our yard as long as she liked.
And thank you, my lovely husband – the thought of either Rob Schneider or Toby Keith in the general vicinity of our home is enough to give me nightmares. The two of them together? That’s a freakin’ horror movie.