I’m always a little bit careful of what I write here because there are a lot of people who know me in real life who read this blog. I wish I could be one of those bloggers who just pours their guts out into their posts and lays it all out there for the world to see. I’ve even thought about having a separate anonymous blog where I could do that. But I don’t see that happening anytime soon. And really, there’s very little that I have to keep private. Certainly not enough to populate an entire separate blog.

So, this might get me in trouble with people who know me in real life, but I’m not sure I care anymore.

Almost exactly 13 years ago, I met the girl who became my best friend. I was living in a dorm on campus and was sick of dorm life. I found an ad in our school paper; two girls were renting a three bedroom house off-campus, and they needed a third roommate. I met them and liked them immediately, and decided to move in with them.

Of my two roommates, one of them was a little odd, but the other girl? She and I bonded, like, fast. We lived together for the next 3 years, until I moved to Wisconsin. After that, though, we still stayed in touch all the time. We talked on the phone, emailed, and flew out to visit each other whenever we could.

I don’t even know how to sum up here what she’s meant to me over the past dozen plus years. She was the one who taught me how to flirt with guys. She took me to my first gay dance club. She turned me into someone fun who knew how to throw a good party instead of the awkward wallflower I had always been. But there was more to it than the fun stuff, we also supported each other through a hundred different rough phases in our lives. And our friendship stuck even as we got older and more settled in our lives. I had two bridesmaids at my wedding: my sister was one, she was the other.

Things have been strained between us for the past couple of years. I had a falling out with a mutual friend of ours, which caused her to feel stuck in the middle. Then I went and had a baby, while she was still single, which was hard because we couldn’t relate to where the other person was. (Example: When Catie was 4 months old, she wanted me to go out dancing with her and couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to stay out until the wee hours. Meanwhile, Catie was still sleeping in 3-hour stretches and I couldn’t fathom anything I’d rather do less with my exhausted post-partum ass than get dressed up and go out on the town.)

Then she started dating a guy who I didn’t particularly like, and she married him. He’s not a bad person, and I was glad she was happy, I just didn’t “click” with him and it made it hard to hang out with her if he was around. Her wedding was hard for me because the ex-mutual friend was her maid of honor. That hurt my feelings, that she asked this person I hate to be in the wedding and not me. I mean, I’m not huge on wedding-y stuff and I don’t really have any desire to be a bridesmaid, but still. It hurt. I admit it. And then she got mad at me because apparently I was so focused on avoiding my ex-friend that I inadvertently also ignored my friend (the bride). So there were hurt feelings on both sides, and it made things harder.

That was about 6 months ago. I guess I just thought that we were going through a rough phase, but that eventually we’d come out of it. And last week I realized that no, this is just how things are now. I no longer have a best friend. The truth of this fact smacked me in the face last week when she did something huge and life-changing – I won’t get into the details here, it’s not my place to share her business – but it was something that required months of forethought and planning, and something that I could’ve totally related to her about if she had chosen to share it with me. But I knew absolutely nothing about it until after the fact, when she announced it as her Facebook status update. A lot of other people knew in advance – and of course the ex-friend flew out to stay with her for a week during this transition phase, which stings even more – but I hadn’t heard a peep from her about it. I didn’t even know this change was on her radar.

My heart is broken. I keep reading this post by Dawn, and the realization that I used to have the kind of friendship she’s talking about there, but I don’t anymore? That’s a pretty freaking empty feeling right there.

And it’s not to say that I don’t have any friends, because of course I do. I have Dave, I have a fabulous family that’s the best support system anyone could ask for, I have a few semi-close friends in real life, and I have an amazing group of Internet ladies (y’all know who you are) who are brilliant and hilarious and who actually seem to “get” me. But there’s something about that connection with that person who’s known me since I was an awkward 20 year-old junior in college, and who has this intense and complicated history with me. And it’s gone. And it’s making me cry. A lot.

I know I don’t usually get all deep on you here, and I’m sorry for this post being sort of a downer. I promise to get back to telling funny stories about my kid, or talking about flu shots or recipes or whatever-the-hell very soon. I just needed to get this out of my system.

22 thoughts on “BFF-less

  1. Cindy, it sucks that you are hurting. Cry it out. Listen to some music , watch a movie that will help you get it out. From my own similar experience I can say that it may never stop stinging, but letting out is is the best thing you can do to move 1 step forward from here. hugs

  2. I’m so sorry. Changes like this just suck. Hugs to you, and a pomegranate martini if you’re up for it. πŸ™‚ I hear it helps build anti-swine flu antibodies.

  3. Cindy, I’m so sorry you are hurting. I’ve had a very similar experience many years ago. I hope writing about it helped somewhat. From what I know about you, it’s your ex-friend who is missing out. You’re a wonderful person, just remember that.

  4. Cindy, I’m so so sorry this has happened. I went through a very similar experience a few years back and I still miss my friend today. I tried reaching out to her fairly recently and she completely disregarded it. She has a different life now, a man in her life, while i’m pretty much single, her kids are grown, mine is a toddler. Like couples can fall out of love, we just fell out of “friends” – if that makes any sense at all. Have a good cry and then hug that gorgeous little girl of yours! After that have a wild night with that hottie husband of yours. Things will get better but like any grief, it has to run its course.

  5. i’m so sorry you’re going through this. this just happened to me too and it’s so hard. it’s like someone died. you have to grieve for that friend. my friend left because she got too deep into drugs/booze and knew she’d infect my life. but instead of doing it the right way she just stopped talking to me and replying to my emails. i miss her everyday…dream about her…etc. it’s a hard thing to get over. my heart goes out to you.

  6. I’m so sorry you lost that friendship πŸ™ I know it hurts but it’s good that you are sharing your feelings out here that always helps. Wish I could come over with chocolate chip cookie dough and sixteen candles πŸ˜‰

  7. Oh hon, I COMPLETELY understand. I went through a similar situation myself, just last year. And just last week I found out she got married… without even telling me! It broke my heart. Even when it ends you never really think it’s the end, ya know? Friend breakups can be just as painful (if not more so) then spousal breakups, because we expect our friends to always be our friends.

    I’m sorry this has happened to you (and me!). Thank you for sharing because it helps reminds us that it can happen to the best of us! It’s sad, but it’s not anyone’s fault, per say. But it still sucks πŸ™

  8. I really do understand this. I think a lot of people can. You grow up and change and sometimes it’s mutual, but more often one person just pulls away more deliberately than the other and it stings. It hurts. It KILLS.

    I would write her a letter or e-mail and just be really honest about how you feel. Tell her how much you care for her happiness and through the really difficult thing she just went through, you wish you could have been there for her. Get it off your chest and then accept whatever she decides. Try to hang on to the good memories, too. That’s important, not letting the pain taint what was such a beautiful friendship for so long.

    Also, forgive her, if you can. Sometimes that’s all it takes for a friendship to be repaired — or at least for YOU to feel some peace about it. Forgiveness is ridiculously powerful sometimes. (And not like you’re holding a grudge, I don’t mean that at all, but just sometimes letting go of the grievances is all the healing we need.)

    Hope you feel better soon, lady.

  9. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. It does suck and no one should ever have to feel that way. You are an amazing woman and mother; you’re funny, fun to hang out with and a great friend. I’m lucky to have you. We should definitely hang out more often!! (Damn the miles and states between us!)

    The weird thing is I’m going through the same sort of thing right now as well, I’m just a little nervous about writing it out on my blog. I try so hard to not let it affect me, but it’s hard. I’ve always put my friends first and to not have the same reciprocated puts things in perspective and makes me question my friendships.

    So, yes, I totally know what you’re going through. I’m a phone call or e-mail away if you need to talk or vent or just need someone to listen.



  10. Hugs, hon. I don’t think this is irreparable, but you will have to suck up your pride and talk about it with her. Admit your hurt AND your desire to be friends again.

    If you don’t want to, that’s fine, too.

    I like to think of the friendship saying — you have them for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime.

    Sometimes you think that friends are for a Lifetime, but they end up being for a Reason or a Season.

    That’s okay. You dust yourself off, relish in the time and experiences you did have, and start on a new season in your life.


  11. Losing a friend is hard. My BFF and I have drifted apart over the years and I feel it every time we talk. I’m married with 4 kids, she is single. We saw each other last fall for the first time in 5 years; she’s only ever met one of my kids and that was 8 years ago. She was my first friend in college, the maid of honor at my wedding, but now after so many years it’s just hard to find common ground. It makes me sad.
    I hope that you find some peace with all of this. I’m still looking for mine.

  12. *HUGS*

    I had a friend that I went through some really intense times with, both fun and healing-from-the-past discussions, in our early 20s.

    For reasons I can guess at, but am not 100% sure on, she quit keeping in touch, didn’t respond to my messages, etc.

    I can accept growing apart & having different lives, but the fact that she won’t reply leaves me without closure. & that sucks. I wish she’d just admit it, you know?

    *HUGS* I agree with VDog’s advice, too– sounds like there is a chance for reconciliation, if you really want it. But. Hard to tell, a little, given that you’ve [understandably, thoughtfully] left out some details here.

    Good Luck! You are sweet and charming and I’m glad to have met you.

  13. I am new to you blog tonight when I was clicking through blogs. This really sucks. I can relate to this. My best friend throughout my childhood just up and stopped talking to me once we were in college. All of a sudden I was no longer good enough for her. We met for lunch one day our freshman year of college and we haven’t talked since. Her body language said so much that day. It sucked.

  14. I know what you mean… and you’re right, it does hurt. And, I’ve been there, where you are…and it really, really sucks.

    Hang in there… it’s an empty place that I’m all too familiar with.


  15. I’m often reading your blog Cindy, and today I’m sitting here and reading and crying. There is so much support and understanding in all the answers. I guess everybody went through times like you do right now. Tomorrow I have a talk with my best friend and as it looks like, after that we are not friends any longer. So I know exactely where you are right now.

    (Excuse my terrible English ;-))

  16. Oh, hugs!! There seems to be a lot of people going through this lately. I know it’s so hard when you’re life changes and you’ve grown apart from someone who means so much to you. But perhaps it’s opening your life to a BFF who is more like the person you are now, rather than the person you were 13 years ago.

  17. Sometimes you just grow in different directions. She might not be a BFF, but you have fond memories of those days. Someday you might reconnect — or not. In either case, you are in a great place with a lot of people who care about you. All you can do is hope she’s in the same place and wish her well.

  18. My bestest best friend and I didn’t talk for 3 years once. And then one day, we saw each other at our 5-year college reunion, and we talked. Then we went out for coffee a few weeks later, and after that night we were the same as always. Just as close as ever and have been since. There is always hope. Especially if you can be honest with one another about your feelings.

    I have also recently lost another old friend, that I have known since my sophomore year of college. And in that situation, I think our parting is best for us both.

    She has never understood my decision to put my kids and husband first in my life. She did a similar thing when my son was 3 months old, asking me to come visit her in another state without kids for a girls’ weekend. And told me I was selfish when I said no.

    We broke up 2 weeks ago because I finally had to call her out for her hypocrisy on an issue and she blew up at me and said she was never speaking to me again. I was a little hurt, but at the same time she’s always rubbing it in to me about how awesome her single life as a high-powered attorney is and how great her fiance is and blah, blah, blah!

    So, I think it’s for the best here.

    I am sorry you’re hurting, but would urge you to try talking to your friend and see where you end up!

    Good luck!

  19. My BFF and I have been through several of these moments at different points in our lives. The one that almost did us in was a few years ago when my dad died. I’m the single one, she is the one with the family. She tried to come to the funeral, but couldn’t. Initially, I told her she didn’t have to, but once I realized how hard it was going to be, I wanted her to be there. She couldn’t, and I understood.

    It was the time after when I needed her and she wasn’t there. I was hurt. I sent her message telling her how hurt I was. I wasn’t sure our relationship could recover, but it did. Instead of expecting or wanting her to reach out, I called her. And we spent two hours catching up, crying, making up for lost time, etc.

    We’re each at different point in our lives, but deep down, she will always be my BFF.

  20. Hi Cindy! Just found your blog – can I just say that I know exactly how you feel on the best friend front! I had the same thing happen with me last year with my best friend that I have had for almost 30 years. We fell out and I have just had an AWFUL time shaking it off. I feel like Oprah without her Gayle (or her money LOL!)!!

    It just isn’t right and it sucks! So, your words really resonated with me. Thanks!

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