First of all, you guys really need to work on improving your in-flight movie selection. The Pink Panther? Really? Have you watched that movie? Because I watched the first 15 minutes, and trust me, it sucked. I never laughed once. And I’m pretty sure that I was supposed to. A few times.

And on the return flight, Aquamarine? What the hell is that, a movie about 14 year-old girls befriending a mermaid? I’ve never even heard of this movie, how on earth did you people track it down and decide that it was worthy of adding to your in-flight movie repertoire? My poor husband accidentally left his iPod and Gameboy in my parents’ mini-van, so he watched the movie out of desparation for something to do to pass the time. I can’t believe you subjected the poor man to such utter drivel.

Second, there is a flight attendant on the Dallas-Forth Worth to New Orleans route who is quite possibly one of the scariest women I have ever seen. I wish I had a photo to show you, but listen to this description: orangey fake-tanned, iridescent bright pink lipstick (all the better to accentuate her smokers’ teeth), and the hair. Dear god, the hair. Peroxided to within an inch of its life, with inches-thick crispy bangs, and which is being held in sort of a makeshift ponytail with not one but TWO giant clippies. One on the top and one on the bottom. And the clips aren’t even the same color, one is bright purple and the other is tortoiseshell-brown. But they have the effect of a semi-ponytail, in the sense that her hair is gathered up and pulled back off of her face. Unfortunately, her “faux-nytail” doesn’t hang down the way a normal ponytail would, since her hair has the consistency of straw. Instead, it sticks straight out from the back of her head, so she looks sort of like one of those pointer dogs whose found a dead bird or something. And American Airlines, you people hired this woman. I beg you, please give her a raise and the name of a good stylist.

Third, could you please explain to me why some of your flights have significantly more leg-room than others? Our hour-long connection from Dallas to New Orleans was nice and relatively roomy (for an airplane seat, anyway), but on the flight from Seattle to Dallas (and vice-versa)? We were so cramped that I was sweating in places where one should never sweat. And if I wanted to cross my legs, I had to do some elaborate yoga-like pose where I pull my knee up to my face before sliding it down on the other side of my leg. No room to just swing it over. I know you guys aren’t doing too well financially, so you want to fit as many passengers onto each flight as possible, but damn. At 5’5″, I’m relatively short, so imagine the discomfort that some of your taller passengers must experience. I’m not asking for much, just a little consistency among your fleet of fine aircrafts. And breathing room.

Also, your four-dollar snack box leaves a lot to be desired. The granola was ok, but the crackers were stale, and that cheese spread you give us to put on the crackers? Don’t even try to tell me that garbage is actual cheese. It’s faux cheese. Hell, let’s just call it feese. And it’s disgusting. Give a girl some real cheddar, why don’t you.

Just some suggestions to consider before my next flight with your airline – which, after this latest fiasco, will hopefully not be anytime in the foreseeable future.

Hugs and kisses,
Cindy

I’ll post the recap of the New Orleans trip tomorrow. I’m just too exhausted to think straight today.