I’ve been debating on whether or not I was going to write about this, or if it fell under the too personal/gross category, but…. ah, hell with it, I still think it’s funny. A few people who read this have already heard this story, so apologies to them.
Ok, I’m using these “ovulation detector” tests while we’re trying to get pregnant. Basically, you pee on a stick and if there are two lines, it means you’re ovulating, so quick! Go have sex! Whee! However, there are two major catches on the instructions:
1. It says that the best time to test is between 10 a.m. and 8 p.m. Apparently most women get their LH surge in mid-morning, so that would be the best time to detect it. That’s not entirely undoable, but I’m at work for the majority of that time frame, so it definitely makes things more complicated. Especially since I absolutely will not be bringing any pee sticks into a ladies’ room stall with me. Call me a prude, but I save that stuff for when I’m at home.
2. The directions say to minimize your fluid intake and not pee for at least four hours before you take the test. Now that is a problem. I’m one of those eternally thirsty people. I always have a beverage at my desk – usually two, a water and a soda. And the only time that I ever go four hours without peeing is when I’m asleep.
But, in the interest of trying to get myself “up the duff” (as Dave says – don’t ask me, I guess it’s a British thing), I’ve decided to give it a try. The time to start monitoring my cycle was this past Sunday. No big deal. Monday was the first time I tried it on a workday. I managed to go the whole afternoon with only one cup of water. Driving home nearly killed me because I have this insane neuroses about the fact that I must go to the bathroom before I get in the car to go anywhere. It’s one of those things my mother drilled into my head as a child, and I seriously can’t go anywhere without peeing first. Many of my friends (and Dave too) have teased me about this over the years. It’s kind of insane, I can’t even go a mile down the street to pick up our take-out, even when I know without a doubt in my mind that I’ll be back at home in less than 5 minutes. But on Monday afternoon, I did it. I called Kris from my cell phone and had her talk to me during my entire drive home to distract me from thinking about the fact that “oh my god, I didn’t pee before I left work, now what will happen if I hit traffic, I will explode and die!!”
By the time I got home, it had been about three hours since the last time I peed. I was practically hopping up & down on one foot, so I decided that three hours was close enough to four, and went to do the test.
Teenie followed me into the bathroom, just like she always does. I don’t really have any hang-ups about cats in the bathroom with me, so no big deal. She sat on the floor in front of the toilet, right between my legs – the perfect spot so I can scratch her head while I’m going to the bathroom, which is normally fine.
I guess I didn’t realize just how badly I really needed to pee, because the force of it literally ricocheted off of the pee stick and hit the cat smack in the face. She sort of jerked her head back and gave me this absolutely horrified look, and then stormed off to the other side of the bathroom, where she sat on the bathmat and started washing her face. I could not stop laughing. It was only a drop or two, it’s not like I sprayed her, but her reaction was priceless.
Of course, after all of this, I had to go and tell Dave (because really, the poor guy isn’t subjected enough to the details of my bodily functions), and we both laughed until we cried. Such responsible pet owners we are. We’re obviously totally ready for parenthood.