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In case you didn’t know, potty training is hard. It’s possible my memory is fuzzy, but it feels about as labor-intensive as those first few weeks with a newborn, mainly because you have to be attending to your child every. single. minute. And apparently it’s just as exhausting for her as it is for us, as evidenced by the fact that she’s taken two naps a day since we started this process.

Photo taken on day one, before the tears started.

We’ve basically gone cold-turkey with the diapers. She’s been wearing big-girl panties, with Pull-Ups at naptime and bedtime. The problem is, I don’t think Catie has ever had a clue about when she needs to pee at all – that’s the burden of modern disposable diapers; they pull the moisture away so effectively that she’s never felt wet before – and feeling the pee run down her legs really upsets her. It might be partly that she’s embarassed, even though we do the whole “hey, it’s ok, you’re fine, let’s just clean it up and we’ll try to use the potty next time, ok?” thing. I think mostly, she just hates the sensation of that wet stuff on her legs. So she’s been trying to hold it, which makes her tummy hurt, which makes her cry more.

So that brings us to a problem. She’s now decided that she hates peeing. She certainly doesn’t want to pee on herself, but she also doesn’t want to pee in the potty or even in her Pull-Up (when she has one on). So Dave and I have been spending a lot of time sitting on the floor next to her, hugging her while she sits on the potty and cries because she’s afraid to pee. (To be clear, we’re not making her sit on the potty. I ask her if she wants to sit and she says ok, then she cries because she doesn’t want to pee. But she doesn’t try to get up, and it’s certainly not like we’re forcing her to sit there against her will. She’s equally distraught when she pees on the living room rug.) In fact, the only time that peeing doesn’t upset her is if she pees while she’s sitting on my lap. Nice, right? I guess my legs feel sort of soft and cushiony like a diaper. Lovely. I went through at least five pairs of pants yesterday before I finally wised up to what she was doing. And yes, I did feel pretty heartless last night when she was begging to sit on my lap (so she could get comfortable and pee on me) and I said no. I told her she could sit on my lap after she peed in the potty, but that didn’t really work.

Oh, thinking of bribes: we’ve been reading to her while she’s on the potty, and letting her watch cartoons (the potty is currently in the living room; gross, I know, but I can’t fit it in our tiny half-bathroom anyway), and offering M&M’s for both attempts and actual success on the potty. One bribe that actually worked is that yesterday, her little friend McKenzie came to the door to see if Catie could play, and I said no because I knew Catie needed to pee. Catie was so upset when I closed the door on McKenzie, and I told her that if she could pee on the potty, we could go outside and play with McKenzie. She peed more in the potty than any other time to date, so that seems to be an effective motivator. And we did go play, for about half an hour, until Catie peed in the neighbor’s yard, started to cry, and we had to go back inside to clean her up and calm her down.

And on the issue of poop: this morning, she was crying, grabbing her tush and saying, “Poop! Mommy, poop hurts!” Now, she hasn’t pooped since Friday night, so I have no doubt that she probably really does need to poop, and it probably does hurt. But she doesn’t want to poop on the potty, she doesn’t want to put on a diaper (believe me, I offered it, more than once), and she doesn’t want to poop in her Pull-Up. So…? I have no idea how to help her with that. I also don’t know if it’s the poop that’s hurting her, or if she’s feeling pressure in her tummy from trying to hold in her pee.

So to sum up, potty training sucks. My back hurts from all of those potty-vigil hugs and book-readings, and Catie has red splotches on her face from constant crying. It’s awful. I can’t begin to tell you how relieved I was to drop her off at daycare this morning, just to get a break from it. Nicole (our baby-sitter) has an almost-3 year-old who’s been potty-trained for a while, so I’m hopeful she’ll be able to help Catie make some progress. But I sent her to daycare with diapers, Pull-Ups, panties, and about a half-dozen changes of clothes, and just told Nicole to do what she could. I’m not worried about her undoing anything, since it feels like we still have miles of progress to make before we get there.

My parents arrive tomorrow. Let’s all say a prayer that Mimi and Pop-Pop bring some sort of magic wand in their suitcase.

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I’ve decided that it’s time to start potty-training Catie, for a few reasons:
1. I recently got her this book, The New Potty by Gina and Mercer Mayer, and she adores it. We’ve been reading it at least twice a day, usually more.
2. She’s recently become fascinated with me going to the toilet. She sits on my lap while I go, she wants to help me flush, and she wants to wash her hands with me when I’m done. I’m guessing the fact that she’s showing interest is a good thing. [Speaking of which, one random bathroom anecdote that cracks me up to this day: a couple of weeks ago, she followed me in while I used the bathroom, helped me flush, watched carefully as everything went down, then waved bye-bye and said, "Bye, poops! See you later!" Um, let's hope that we don't actually see the poops later, ok sweetie? God.]
3. Last night she sat on her potty with no diaper for about 10 minutes while I read to her. She didn’t “produce” anything, but obviously she’s gotten past the stage of being scared to sit on the potty except when she’s fully dressed.
4. My parents are coming to visit next week. My dad keeps hassling me about “when are you gonna potty-train that child?” So hey, guess what, Dad? If you’re staying at my house, you can help! Lucky, lucky you!

This morning I asked on Twitter what supplies I need for potty-training. Then Catie and I went shopping. Here’s what the Internet recommended I get.

In case you can’t tell, here’s a rundown of what’s in that photo: a potty chair, a potty ring (it’s Dora, of course; I’m hoping that since Catie picked it out, that means she’ll be more likely to sit on it), a giant-ass tote bag to hold the potty ring when we go out (since my diaper bag isn’t going to cut it anymore), some big-girl panties, some Pull-Ups for nighttime, M&M’s to use as bribes, Lysol, Oxi-Clean, carpet cleaner, and Post-Its (to cover the auto-flush sensors in public restrooms so it doesn’t flush while she’s sitting & scare her to death). Oh, and that’s a bottle of Grey Goose vodka in front. I didn’t buy that today, though, that’s been in the freezer for a while. Still, I have a feeling that it’s going to be a vital part of this process.

Not pictured: the other two dozen pairs of big-girl panties that Catie has recently acquired. Laundry detergent. Towels. My mop. The extra potty chair that’s been in the upstairs bathroom for over 6 months. The books about using the potty. Elmo’s “Potty Time” DVD. Oh, and my sanity and patience, which will hopefully survive this process intact.

Is there anything else I’m missing that you think I need to have? Please let me know.

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The March for Babies here in Raleigh was today. We had a pretty big team marching for Maddie.

From left to right, that’s: me, Catie, Dave, my sister Tracy, (sitting) baby Austin, my cousin Cat, Elizabeth (in the stroller), Tony, and Megan. We’d never met Megan before today (if you’re reading this, hi Megan!), but she was super fun and a very good sport about us lagging behind with our slow toddlers and general foolishness. (We really are sort of a goofy bunch when you get us all together.)

That’s right, I painted my nails purple for Maddie. And I felt the need to document it with photographic evidence, since it happens so very rarely.

The walk was good. It was a little hot, but not as brutal as the weather forecast predicted. Also, no thunderstorms – that was the other thing on the forecast that had us worried. We felt a few random drops of rain here and there, but not even enough to call it a drizzle.

The kids had the most fun after the walk. There was a DJ playing all sorts of dance music at the finish line, so the kids (who had either ridden in strollers or been carried for the entire walk) needed a chance to burn off some energy.

I got Catie the smallest Maddie t-shirt I could get, and I still had to knot it in the back so it wouldn’t look like a dress on her. The part that broke my heart was that when Catie saw the shirt this morning, she pointed at it and said, “Maddie!” She knows her face from being on my lap so many times when I’ve read Heather’s blog. I almost cried then, but I just said, “Yeah, baby, that’s Maddie.”

Throughout the day, she kept pointing at her own shirt, or mine or Dave’s, and screaming “Maddie! Purple!” Yeah, sweetie. You got it.

After a while the toddler energy was contagious, and we all had to dance too.

And we had to snuggle on some babies.

There was one guy who came over to us to ask about Maddie’s story, because he read her dates on our t-shirts. I told him, and he told us that he has 2 daughters, both of whom were born around 26 weeks. One of his daughters is now 8 years old and the other is about to turn 13. He thanks the March of Dimes for them being here and healthy today. Talking to him for just a couple of minutes was really moving.

Oh, and I believe that when you factor in the almost $200 that my cousin raised through bake sales at her office, our team raised a combined total of almost $1,000 for the March of Dimes. So that’s a pretty great day right there.

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1. My sister’s plane gets here tomorrow evening! Yay! She’ll be here in time for the March for Babies on Saturday, which is so cool, I’m really excited that she’ll be able to join us. The downside: the house is a mess, which I cannot deal with when we’re expecting company. So I need to get a-cleaning, and fast.

2. This house that we live in has a dual air-conditioning system, one for each floor. (It’s actually an energy saver; the A/C doesn’t have to work as hard when there’s two of them.) On Sunday, I went to get Catie up from her nap, and I heard a weird tap-tap-tap sound in her room. It was water leaking from her light fixture. Guess what’s above Catie’s bedroom? The attic. More specifically: the HVAC system in the attic. We had a guy come out here, who told us that the system is basically rotted and dying and we need a new one, and oh yeah we’ll probably need to replace the whole ceiling because the sheet rock has gotten wet, and we don’t want our asthmatic child to be breathing black mold in her bedroom. Fabulous.

Point being: yes, this sucks and all, but oh man, thank GOD we rent this place. I cannot imagine having to deal with that expense right now.

3. The eye test I was supposed to have that involved the plastic thingy on the surface of my eyeball? Well, it was supposed to happen last Thursday, but then I got sick, so I postponed it until today. Then they called me this morning and said that my eye doctor is sick, so now it’s been rescheduled for next Thursday. Which is fine by me, it’s not like I’m looking forward to this thing. (Incidentally, my eye doctor also has a baby. Want to bet that he gave her the exact same cold that Catie gave me? I wouldn’t doubt it.)

4. Random cute Catie things:
4a. Her newest song (to the tune of “Twinkle Twinkle”):
Ringo Ringo Ringo Starr
How I wonder what you are?

4b. Catie really loves to play in the car, specifically in the front seat. Witness:

Exhibit A.

The problem, of course, is that this isn’t exactly legal, what with those pesky child restraint laws and everything. (Damn government! Interfering with my right to endanger my child!) So, although she’s usually pretty good in the car, she does have occasional screamfests about the fact that she wants to be in the front seat with us. Yesterday, we went to the grocery store and stopped for gas on the way home. I let Catie get in the front with me while Dave pumped the gas, then we decided we’d let her hang out in the front seat while we went through the car wash.

In case you were wondering? That has got to be the best way to make a toddler’s day, EVER. She loved it. “Car have baff? Get all cwean?” I’m not sure if it was the car wash itself or the thrill of riding shotgun (in Dave’s lap), but either way, I’ll have to make a mental note to do that again sometime, because it was so much fun.

And it felt totally rebellious in a “breakin’ the law, breakin’ the law” kind of way, even though we weren’t moving inside the car wash, and as soon as it was done and we exited the car wash, I pulled over & Dave buckled her back into her seat. Still. It felt sort of naughty and fun. (Sad that this is my idea of excitement these days, no?)

4c. This is what bathtime looks like at our house lately.

We usually end up with more water on the floor than in the tub, but whatever. You’re only 2 years old once, might as well let her enjoy some of this silly stuff before she’s too cool for it.

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I just checked the status for my March for Babies team, and I see that we’ve raised a combined total of $590. I think that’s pretty awesome. I set sort of an arbitrary goal amount, I really didn’t think we’d get anywhere close to it. I’m very proud of the progress we’ve made so far. Anyway, since I can’t figure out how in the blankety-blank to get this little badge into my sidebar, here it is again.

(That only links to my personal page. Apparently I can’t get a widget for my team. I don’t know why.)

If you were thinking about donating, please click on that badge and do so. Even just a couple of dollars would be great.

Our walk is on May 2nd. I just found out that my sister will be in town that weekend (she has a business trip that will require her to be in the area on Monday, May 4th, so she’s going to come early and spend a couple of days with us), and she’s going to try to fly in on Friday night so she can join us for our March for Maddie. Which would be awesome, because in case you didn’t know, my sister is the coolest.

So, yeah. Almost $600 so far. Pretty darn good, I think.

Edited to Add: Hey, I got my badge in my sidebar! Yay! Big shout-out to Dawn at Kaiser Mommy for helping me figure that one out. (Btw, she’s also the one responsible for these really beautiful bracelets to raise money for the Spohr family. I ordered one for Catie and one for me last week, can’t wait to get them.)

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Catie’s had a cold since our camping trip last weekend. At first it was just an endlessly drippy nose, but yesterday her asthma started to flare up. I didn’t think too much of it right away, because it didn’t seem that bad. When she had an asthma crisis back in December, I knew something was wrong because she was lethargic and obviously miserable. She would only moan and cry when she woke up, then go back to sleep. But with this current cold, she’s generally been pretty cheerful and acting like her normal self. I mean, yes, she’s been wheezing a little bit off & on, but she’s also singing, laughing, and narrating little stories that her toys act out. So we were giving her albuterol & pulmicort in the nebulizer – the way we normally treat her asthma – but I wasn’t that worried.

This morning, Dave got up with Catie to let me sleep in a little longer. (Love it when he does that.) A while later, he brought her upstairs to bed, and she snuggled in next to me. I was spooning her with my hand on her chest, and I could feel how rapid her breathing was, and how fast her heart was pounding. I told Dave we needed to give her some albuterol, and he said he had just done it a few minutes ago. I promptly freaked out and called the pediatrician. They told us to come straight in, which we did.

I think the words “asthma attack” have some sort of magical power on pediatricians. They were waiting for us when we got there, and brought us straight back to a room. The doctor came in immediately. They tried to get a pulse ox on Catie’s finger, but she wasn’t having it (oh, the shrieking), and they couldn’t get an accurate reading from her big toe. We finally got her to calm down enough that the doctor could listen to her chest with the stethoscope.

Not our usual pediatrician: Um, her lungs are clear.
Me: But she’s been wheezing since yesterday!
NOOP: When was her last albuterol treatment?
Me: About 45 minutes ago.
NOOP: Well, it’s clearly working because she sounds fine now.
Me: But she’s breathing so fast! And her heart is pounding!
NOOP: Well, albuterol does accelerate the heart rate…
Me: Um… it does? [Feel REALLY stupid for not knowing that.]
NOOP: Her airways are definitely open, she’s not in respiratory distress at all. I think the worst of the cold has probably passed, so just keep doing what you’re doing with the nebulizer and you should be able to wean her off the albuterol by Friday.
Me: Oh. OK.
~Fin~

I’ll be honest, I think part of the reason why I reacted so strongly was because I was thinking about Maddie. When I was lying in bed with Catie and I felt how fast and hard she was breathing, it scared the wits out of me. Before two weeks ago, it never once entered my mind that a child could ever just stop breathing.

I know that Maddie is an exceptionally rare case, I know the odds of anything like that happening to Catie are very remote. And yes, of course it has always been frightening to hear my little girl struggling to breathe, and it always will be. I just don’t know if or when this particular type of intense fear-that-the-worst-could-happen will subside. Am I overreacting? Very likely. But how can I not, when we’ve seen proof that sometimes the worst does happen, for no damn reason?

Seriously, how do you not overreact?

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Today is baby Maddie’s funeral. For those of us who can’t be there in person to support the Spohr family, we’re showing our support by wearing purple today.

Would you believe that out of the 10,937 items of purple clothing that Catie owns, the only thing I could get her to agree to wear this morning is a wife beater with a sparkly embroidered kitty-cat on the front?

(Note that I am totally doing the “hide my giant butt behind someone else” move here.)

A lot of bloggers are doing a purple balloon release in Maddie’s honor. (If you watch this video and don’t tear up even a tiny bit? I’m not sure I understand you.) I thought about doing it, but it’s a really gloomy, rainy day, and I couldn’t think of anything more depressing than taking pictures of a purple balloon floating up toward dark gray rain clouds. So no, not doing that.

Heather and Mike, I hope you feel the love around you today, and I pray that you can find peace and comfort. That’s really all I can say.

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