This is one of those random “nobody cares about my dreams, I know, but I swear this one is funny” asides:
I dreamed that I was accused of murder. I was innocent, but there were a couple of dead bodies in my yard, so obviously I was the natural suspect.
Rather than stick around to clear my name, I ran away and started working for the Mafia. You know, as you do. They had me manage a restaurant that was part of some scam operation.
Then, I left the restaurant after working my shift there, and I was picked up by my boyfriend, Alice Cooper.
He took me purse shopping. Turns out Alice Cooper has fabulous taste in handbags. Who’d have guessed, right? But he picked out a purse for me that was, like, the most perfect purse I had ever seen in my life. And I thought how cool it was that he totally got me and my taste, and what a great boyfriend Alice Cooper was.
Alice Cooper. Seriously.
Then I woke up. End scene.
Ok, here’s a weird story and I’m looking for opinions on how to proceed, because I have no clue.
I’ve been doing this online dating thing, right? And most of the time, for first dates, I’ll meet a guy for coffee or lunch during the daytime, because the kids are already at daycare and that way, I don’t have to pay extra for a baby-sitter. Let’s be honest, the vast majority of first dates will never evolve into second dates, and I don’t see the point of spending money on a sitter unless I know the dude is worth it.
So, this guy contacts me and asks me out. He seems nice enough and fits my basic requirements, so I agree to meet him for lunch.
He shows up, and it turns out, he’s in a wheelchair. There was no mention of it in his profile. That’s… a little weird, right?
I tried not to look surprised and just go with it. I didn’t ask any questions about his handicap, because he didn’t mention it and it seemed rude to bring it up. We had lunch, and he seems like a perfectly nice guy, but I didn’t get any “spark” or anything like that from him. And I don’t think that had anything to do with the wheelchair, I think he’s just not really my type. He comes off as a little conservative and uptight, which is not generally what I gravitate toward.
But then, he texted me later to ask me out again, and I have no idea to respond. Is there anyway that I can say “no thanks” and NOT sound like a totally superficial jerk?
I talked about this with a friend, who seemed to think that I should be angry about the misrepresentation, and that his lack of mobility should’ve been clearly stated in his online dating profile. I kind of see that side of it, because yeah, it’s not really cool to just surprise someone with something so fundamental about yourself. But I also see why he might leave that information out, because he probably thinks that a lot of women would dismiss him for that. And that’s probably true, sadly.
I don’t know. Is there a way to extricate myself here and not sound mean? Any ideas?
What do you tell anyone NOT in a wheelchair when you don’t want to go out again? That you didn’t feel a connection? Whatever you usually say is what you should say now. Should he bring it up that he ambushed you with his lack of disclosure about the chair, tell him you were surprised, but that in general he seemed too conservative to be your match.
If you don’t have a generic statement for rejection, maybe the process would be easier with one.
I also commend you for being polite about it. Some people would be rude or just walk away. Everyone has a different comfort level with posting an accurate photo; personally I feel that it’s his only chance. But, I’m not in a chair so I have the luxury of not knowing how much rejection that actually entails. Maybe it’s harder for a man because people would assume he has no sexual functioning? I think it’s too bad he couldn’t be open about it; it could have been an interesting conversation, and those always lead to knowing a person better.
I understand why he might leave the wheel-chair part out of his profile I think mentioning it at some point prior to the 1st meeting is probably the way to go.
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Because there were no sparks and there won’t be a future with him, for everyone’s sanity I would just take the wheelchair out of the equation. Respond to him exactly the way you would if you went out with a non-wheelchair-bound nice guy who was a little conservative and uptight and with whom you didn’t have an immediate connection.
I agree. Leave the wheelchair out of it. Tell him you don’t think you are good fit. He should be able to understand that you are rejecting him, not just because he’s in a wheelchair. He does ask if the wheelchair is a reason for the lack of spark, I would say that he might want to mention that in the conversation about meeting up if only so someone won’t be surprised.
I met a guy on eHarmony who was a in a wheelchair. No where on his profile did he mention that. But when he called to set up our first date and we talked about where to meet, he said I’ll be the one who’s seated. I clarified that he was in a wheelchair which was fine. At our first date he asked me if I had any questions about the wheelchair and he was pretty open about why he was there (skiing accident). He was cool but I never felt that spark either. We went on a few dates but in the end, we both agreed that there was no future for us.
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I think you tell him “no thank you” the exact same way you would anyone else who there was no spark with. If it isn’t about the wheelchair, don’t make it about the wheelchair in your mind, you know?
That was meant in a “don’t second guess yourself” kind of way, not saying you ARE making it about the wheelchair.
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Yeah. What they said.
That said, I got messaged from a guy who I had already blown past his profile (he’s listed as Agnostic – which would be fine for any other stage in my life, and would be fine if I weren’t in a position to actually be shopping for specifics – so the ‘non Christians’ aren’t in my mix right now.) His message was entertaining, I replied, he was uber flirty, blah blah, I asked him what his fave thing in his profile was, he answered and then asked me what I thought the most interesting part of his profile was … which meant I actually went and looked at it (cuz I hadn’t made it past the sidebar before). Yep. wheelchair. Which made me feel oogy. And then like a dick. But kept messaging, not bringing up the chair since it wasn’t relevant to conversation. And then he quit messaging me.
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You’re hung up on the fact that he has a wheelchair. That’s already his reality. So, stop worrying about that part and tell him thanks for the offer but you didn’t feel a spark and good luck with finding The One. It’s not up to you to manage his thoughts on why you’re saying no to a second date. You could have found him gorgeous and sparky and wanted to be with him forever, even in a wheelchair. Just don’t get hung up on that one detail. We all have differences. 🙂
And to the friend who thought you should be angry about the “misrepresentation”: The point of a first date is to get to know someone. At least you could see the wheelchair, so many people hide things until you’re hooked and THEN tell you about them…