Baby starts crying.

Baby #1: Immediately pick up and console.

Baby #2: “Sorry, kid, but your mama has to pee so you’re just going to have to scream for about 90 seconds. I promise you won’t be scarred for life.”

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Baby spits up all over you.

Baby #1: “OMG! Bathe the baby and change her clothes! Take a shower and change my clothes! Clean everything! AAACCKKK!!!”

Baby #2: Don’t worry about it. Later, ask your spouse if he minds holding the baby so you can rinse the dried baby puke out of your hair. In the sink. You know, all classy-like.

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Baby has a massive blow-out poo-splosion diaper.

Baby #1: Run around like a headless chicken trying to figure out how you are going to clean all of this poop, because holy hell you need a gas mask and a haz-mat suit. Scream things at your spouse, like, “Hold her hands! Don’t let her put her hands in the OHMYGOD EWWW THAT IS SO NASTY!!”

Baby #2: Pretty much the same reaction. Poop is gross, man.

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Grocery shopping.

Baby #1: Take her out with you at every possible moment, both because you can’t stand the idea of being away from her for more than 5 minutes, but also because you kind of want to show her off.

Baby #2: You will be willing to pay someone hard-earned cash to come watch your kid so you don’t have to take her to the store with you. Grocery shopping alone becomes your “me time.”

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You need to shower.

Baby #1: Carefully arrange your hygiene schedule around the time that your spouse is available to take care of the baby.

Baby #2: Drag the bouncy seat into the bathroom, plop the baby down, and take your damn shower already.

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The baby sleeps for five (5!!) consecutive, uninterrupted hours.

Baby #1: Call everyone you know and alert them to this new development because, haaa! You will be well-rested and less crazy from this day forward! Hooray!!

Baby #2: Don’t tell a soul for fear of jinxing it the way you did last time, dumbass.**

**Note that the previous statement is NOT an admission that she slept for 5 hours, ok? And I certainly didn’t admit that she slept for 5 hours the last two nights in a row. Now everyone throw some salt over their shoulder or cross their fingers or say a prayer or something because OMG no jinxes pleeeeeeease!