More often than not, I seem to be feeling really anxious and tense these days. There are a lot of contributing factors here, but I think it’s mostly pregnancy-related. I feel like I barely have a handle on the whole “working mom” thing right now, and the one kid I have is fairly self-sufficient. The idea of throwing a baby into the mix is… well, really freaking scary, to be quite honest. Babies are really needy (uh, in case you weren’t aware of that), and I’m just not sure how I’m going to balance it all when I don’t feel like I have a good handle on life as it is.
I think a lot of this is that I don’t exactly have fond memories of the first few months of Catie’s life. Looking back, I probably should’ve gotten on some kind of medication for post-partum depression, but I didn’t because I thought my feelings were normal. Now, I’m not so sure. I don’t think it’s exactly normal to feel like your life is a black hole of despair, no? I was just so exhausted that I couldn’t see that things would ever improve. And of course, they did improve, and relatively quickly at that. Sometime after the two- or three-month point, Catie started sleeping for more than a couple of hours at a time, and I slowly (slooooowly) started to feel more sane.
Still, the idea of enduring that again isn’t exactly something I’m looking forward to. Which is probably why it took me so long to come around to the idea of having a second baby, when it seems like a lot of my friends had their second babies ages ago. But it makes me feel like the Worst Mother Ever. What kind of pregnant lady isn’t excited about her upcoming arrival? I mean, of course I’m excited to meet this little person. I just wish there was a fast-forward button for that initial newborn phase. Is that awful? It feels awful.
And yeah, I talk about this stuff with my therapist. I don’t know if I also need medication or not at this point, I’m still trying to figure that out. Mostly, I just think how nice it would be if I could drink something fruity with vodka in it. But that won’t happen for probably at least three more months. Dammit.
I felt the same way with my second. The newborn phase is SO hard for me no matter how excited I am to meet the new arrival. But it does get better with time. I know you know that but just thought I’d say it anyway.
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Those feelings are no fun. Hope you start to feel better soon!!
You know…I’m around any time if you need to talk or vent or just think about other things!!! XOXO
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Awww, *HUGS*.
My understanding is limited to blogs and fiction, but you have all the sympathy I can give! xo
We can all pray that this one is a good sleeper, soon? ;p
The difference between Catie and this baby is your experience. You know how it’s not supposed to be. You know what to do about it, if it’s not.
I know (I really do) that you will enjoy this baby. Not that you didn’t *enjoy* Catie, but it’ll be different. You’ll know to stare more. Absorb more. You have an understanding of how quickly it all passes by but seems to take forever when you’re in the middle of it.
Because you are a more confident Mama, you’ll control your day-to-day much better. It’ll be a juggling act at times, but you know *how* to do it.
It’s perfectly natural to feel weight of it all, mentally/emotionally/physically, right now. But? You’re gonna be great!
Honey, it’s okay to be freaking out, to not want to go back to that dark place. Just know that each baby is different and that you have a wealth of knowledge from experience and you have all of us to help.
xo
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I think that it has nothing to do with how much you want her or how much you wanted Catie. The reality is that it’s hard. It’s overwhelming at times.
I don’t think saying it makes you a bad mother. Not at all.
Since you did have some trouble last time adjusting…I would just keep talking about it this time. Who knows what will happen, but at least maybe this time you will know what to watch for?
And not that this helps…but every kid is different. My first was super high maintenance as a baby, my little two were much easier. Also? Once she is here, it may not be as scary because you know what to expect a bit more. You know that eventually she will sleep through the night. That it’s all time limited.
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