We watched “Rocky V” over homemade turkey burgers (mmm, yum) last night, and here are my thoughts:

* The beginning was good, showing how Rocky was brain-damaged after getting the crap beaten out of him by the Russian guy. And it seemed realistic – I don’t know how any professional boxer can get punched in the head year after year and not have brain damage. But there were a few major plot inconsistencies between Rocky IV and Rocky V. In Rocky IV, they show his kid watching him fight the big Russian dude on TV, and the kid is maybe 6 years old. At the beginning of the 5th movie, Rocky gets home from Russia and the kid is now around 13 years old. What the hell? How long was he in Russia, anyway?
* I think Stallone made the “Godfather III” fatal mistake of casting his own real-life son as his son in the movie. I’m not saying that Sage Stallone is hopeless – I looked him up on IMDB, and apparently he’s also a writer and a director now; he could be brilliant for all I know. Much the same way that Sofia Coppola is. I’m just saying that neither one of them should act. Ever.
* Speaking of Coppola, Talia Shire starred in both “Godfather III” and “Rocky V” in 1990. Sister apparently had a rough year. Poor thing.
* The big up-and-coming fighter in this movie has a mullet. I know it was filmed in 1990, but come on. Interestingly enough, I looked up this actor (Tommy Morrison) on IMDB too, and it turns out that he really was a heavyweight boxer in real life. OK, maybe that explains his horrendous acting skills. (Although nothing can excuse the mullet.) His only other claim to fame, besides “Rocky V,” is that he was banned from boxing in 1996 because he tested HIV positive. Which I think would’ve made a way more interesting plot twist in this movie, had it been used. Sadly, it wasn’t.
* No inspirational training sequence. No cheesy Survivor theme song. No good.
* The big street fight at the end? Was so obviously filmed on a soundstage and not in some rough neighborhood in south Philadelphia. It looked like the background of a video game like “Mortal Kombat” or something. Lame.

Moral of the story: No matter what he does, or how bad the movies might be (“Over the Top,” anyone?), I will always love Sylvester Stallone, because I associate the Rocky movies (the first four, anyway) with my childhood. I have some kind of weird nostalgia-crush on the man, which I cannot explain. It’s the same reason that I will always love Harrison Ford, despite the fact that he’s now a bloated alcoholic who hasn’t made a single good movie since “The Fugitive,” and that was 12 years ago.

P.S. to Lauren – I really want to know who your boyfriend was in this movie. Was he the little street thuglet who beat up Rocky Jr. and took his lunch money? Or was he one of the random kids on the playground?